Tag Archives: prayer

The Best Religions on Planet Earth

Geek!This is Jose Luis Nunez’s submission for the HP Magic Giveaway. Feel free to leave comments for this article as you see fit – your feedback is certainly welcomed! If you’d like to submit your own how-to, what-is, or top-five list, you can send it to me. Views and opinions of this writer are not necessarily my own:

WARNING: The author of this article (Jose Luis Nunez) would like to point out that he is not completely cracked in the skull, but just really likes violence. God bless Amerika.

  • Earthseed. What the HECK?! What on earth kind of cockamamie religion is this supposed to be? That’s precisely the point. While averaging a dissappointing 0% on the slaughter-people-in-the-name-of-your-mother’s-nose-hair meter, this religion boasts full speed and many promises. Heck, I’ve talked with the main church headquarters in New Zealand (pop. 1) and have recently received word that they plan to begin beheading infidels in the name of the great earth and the great seed (isn’t a duality god great?) as soon as they get three more members! Traditionally, in the religion, it would seem, there is a requirement that there be three members present during the beheading. One to hold the camera, another to wield the knife, and the third to reap all the windfall profits from investing heavily in the fertilizer industry.
  • Pastafarianism. While I normally object to being touched in inappropriate places by some noodly appendage, I don’t know where this one’s been. Not to mention, I have deep suspicions about any deity as sexist (as one who claims to have very meaty balls). Still, Osama Bin Laden was recently caught worshiping a bowl of angel-hair Russo-sauced spaghetti. I saw it meself, and I thought to meself: “HOLY HELL!” The man behind the orchestration of the 9/11 attacks, who was given the most excruciating punishment of all time (living with knowing what he did was wrong), is actually worshipping a bowl of friggin’ spaghetti! They say the Holy Cilantro warms the heart mightily, as it passes through the well-muscled esophagus and gastrointestinal system, ultimately leaving the body in the form of slightly browner Holy Cilantro. That settles it. Pastafarianism is number 4.
  • Buddhism. Hmm… people who speak in an artificial language and believe that self-annihilation is the way to go? That’s beautiful! *sniff* I know what you’re thinking, you elitist, white-collar, english-muffin eating anglophile (my apologies to the browner peoples of the world.). You’re thinking that Buddhists embrace the concept of “escape from samsara and the reduction of suffering,” not the total annihilation of self! Well, perhaps I have been less than honest. Apparently, enlightenment is the realization that all is nothing and nothing is all. Doesn’t that mean they’re already annihilated!? Doesn’t it!? They can kill themselves with the power of thought! And Milefu, the Chinese Buddha, definitely scores them points. Unfortunately, I have yet to see the Dalai Lama actually punch through steel – so they’re going to get an honorable mention for now.
  • Roman Catholocism. Most. People. Disemboweled. Ever. That includes Jesus, kiddies. 😉 But wait, you say, wasn’t it the Jews who crucified Jesus? I know, right! That scene in The Passion of the Christ where *mumble* *mumble* … and then there’s this baby that comes out, and all the soldiers are – perhaps I have gotten off-base? Anyway, as if that wasn’t enough for God to kill himself to save a pile of dirt, the very fact that the pile of dirt was responsible for Jesus needing to be sacrificed just goes to show it doesn’t get much better than a wrathful, angry, pissant-head of a God who wants nothing more than love… Nice going, Dumbledore! And now folks, here it is, the moment you’ve been waiting for, the Number One Religion of the World is… *drumroll*
  • Islam. Ladies and gents, allow me to explain something. Once upon a time, there was an iron-fisted Pope who crushed all who didn’t obey (sadly, almost ALL did) with fiery damnation and burning at the stake. This Pope was the head of a mighty and strong religion, that sadly, no longer has the energy to wipe out entire indigenous populations, or extort money for the accumulated wealth of the world’s poor. In sad times like these, we need a bold new religion. One that will wipe the atrocities of Hiroshima and U2 music off the map. We NEED islam. With the old Christianity falling down to… ummmmm… purgatory? Islam actually believes that someone who kills 17 other people, while KILLING THEMSELVES, has the cojones to handle 73 virgin bean-women. And to that, I say: Godspeed.

Reasons That Religion is Unbelievable

Geek!This is Jay Jay’s submission for the HP Magic Giveaway. Feel free to leave comments for this article as you see fit – your feedback is certainly welcomed! If you’d like to submit your own how-to, what-is, or top-five list, you can send it to me. Views and opinions of this writer are not necessarily my own:

Before you read this, keep in mind that it is just an opinion.

Religion has always been a controversial topic. Let me begin by stating a few of my views on the concept of a religion, and why I think religions were created. I believe that people cannot understand how it is possible that Earth and the universe came to be, and they want to live forever in the afterlife. What do people do when they do not understand something or cannot find an answer? The answer is simple: they fabricate their own solution. Enter religion. Below is a list of five faults that I find regarding religion.


Praying is a common practice in almost all religions. It is a way people think they can have a one-way conversation with the god in whom they believe. Whether it is a prayer for happiness or a prayer for a new car, people are desperate to get what they want with as little effort as possible – which is why I think people turn to prayer. The fact is that it doesn’t matter to whom someone prays, the chances of their request coming true is the same in any event. If you can prove me wrong, feel free to respond with a prayer of your own.

An Invisible Man

When I was young, I had my own imaginary friend. He was great to play with, and was the perfect person to go to when I was feeling bored. But as I grew up, I realized that Billy was just a fictional character. God is an imaginary friend of the whole religious world (in my opinion). The only difference is that he purportedly has control of the whole entire universe.

Earth and Human Creation

Do you honestly believe that some god randomly decided to create Earth and humans? If God created the universe, what in the world is the point of other planets? Let’s dive in a little deeper. Christians basically believe that God created humans on Earth with a snap of his fingers. If you compare this to something more believable, such as evolution, you might think to yourself: “Hmm… either humans came out of thin air or they evolved over a long period of time.” (with real evidence backing it up). I don’t know about you, but personally, evolution sounds a whole lot more persuasive.

Heaven and Hell

Ah, the concept of a perfect and peaceful place versus a horrible, fiery, flaming death pit is just wonderful don’t you think? If God loves every person on the Earth, why would he want someone to burn in Hell? On the other hand, if you follow his ten magical rules (the Ten Commandments) and live a good life, you will end up in Heaven for eternity. This introduces a new idea that I have not yet mentioned – fear. Many people accept religion due to the fear that they might go to Hell, or live a horrible life if they do not accept that there is a god. Fear feeds religion like oxygen feeds a fire.

Religion vs. Religion

There are many different religions that are popular in the world today, so why is anyone’s religion the only one that is “correct”? Many might respond: “Well, because it is in the Holy Bible,” or: “Because the other religions are just wrong.” In other words, there is no way to prove that one religion is better than another and that is especially true when one believes that all religions all false. Perhaps I am wrong, but I have yet to find a logical answer proving that religions hold any truth; since there is no confirming evidence currently, it looks like I’ll be staying non-religious for quite a while.