While you most often see me interfacing with the world from the control room of my own secret lair, you may not realize that I’m a pretty busy guy. That being said, since Popchips already has its President of Pop Culture (some guy named Ashton. He seems quite dignified and head of state-like), I feel that I could most certainly fulfill the duties of the Vice Presidency if so elected.
I can see some of you now (through my secret lair’s control room interface) asking: “What the heck is a Popchip?” A Popchip, gentle readers, is a non-fried, non-baked, but totally popped (like corn!) and seasoned sliver of potato that tastes crunchingly delicious without all of the fat, trans-fat, and cholesterol of a traditional chip. Sure, it’s not as healthy as, say, a carrot, but it’s a darned sight healthier than fried butter. Or Jersey Shore. (Hey! See? Pop culture! I can handle this.) There are Barbeque Popchips, Sour Cream & Onion Popchips, Cheddar Popchips, Sea Salt & Vinegar Popchips, Salt & Pepper Popchips, Parmesan Garlic Popchips, and, of course, Original Popchips. No sign of Tauntaun Jerky Popchips or LEGO Popchips or Bacon (Mmmm, bacon!) Popchips, but if I am elected to this highly prestigious position, I will do everything with my moderate amount of power to get these Popchips passed. On my honor, I will do my duty…
Well, I’ll talk it over with President Ashton, anyway. Probably over tea with P. Diddy (or Puff Daddy or Puffy Combs or Lumberjack Danny or whatever he’s calling himself these days) on a private jet to an elephant golfing match in Thailand or whatever it is that these executive types consider recreational. Whatever you’re looking from in a Popchips Pop Culture Vice President, I’ll make it so – but I need your votes! I’ll pander to pandas. I’ll cajole Cajuns. I’ll butter up bagel bakers. I’ll soft-soap swineherds. I’ll beguile bold billionaires. I’ll charm Channing… Carol Channing. I’ll sweet-talk Sweet Sweetback. I’ll enthrall entomologists. Please! I’m begging you! Help the geek who helps the geeks!
And being a geek, I understand chips (admittedly microchips, usually). But certainly, technology could be leveraged for this position, and I’ve started work on a mind control prototype to help plant the desire to eat Popchips subconsciously to all who might hear our message. But if that fails, there’s always hypnosis.
And I have a plan.
I’m Chris Pirillo, and I approve of the
Empire Rebel Alliance.