It’s been said that the dog is man’s best friend, but did you know that another fine mammal once occupied this prized position of praise among the premium primates?
The elegant North American unibrow once roamed the entire continent, from sea to shining sea, in the days of mastodons, ground sloths, dire bears, saber-toothed cats, and Geico cavemen. It occupied the desolate salt flats, the arid plains, the majestic purple mountains, the stagnant marshes, the wide tundra, the tide-tossed beaches, and beyond. It wasn’t an uncommon sight to behold a herd of North American unibrows fearlessly sharing a watering hole with its prehistoric fellows — from the aggressively carnivorous to the stoically herbivorous to the ambivalently omnivorous — and brokering peace among them for the time it would take to drink up and move on.
The North American unibrows were gregarious behemoths extending nothing but kindness toward the surrounding populace of shaggy and disenfranchised megafauna and chilly, teeth-chattering humanity when the Ice Age descended upon them all. Already hunted by some of the less scrupulous sons of Adam for luxurious pelts that could keep an entire tribe warm through the never-ending winter, the North American unibrow became increasingly scarce and, it was until recently believed, extinct by the time the glaciers receded and the world warmed once again.
Friends, I’m here to tell you that our ancient unibrow friends do live on! From the Greater Siberian unibrow of Soviet General Secretary Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev to the Lesser Sesame unibrow of Bert, the unibrow, though greatly diminutive in comparison to its Pleistocene ancestor, has diversified and expanded its range to cover the globe!
But some remain closer to home to haunt the land of unibrow nascence. Not that I’ve seen any clinging to my particular neighborhood, but maybe you’ve got sharper eyes than I?