The Best Religions on Planet Earth

Geek!This is Jose Luis Nunez’s submission for the HP Magic Giveaway. Feel free to leave comments for this article as you see fit – your feedback is certainly welcomed! If you’d like to submit your own how-to, what-is, or top-five list, you can send it to me. Views and opinions of this writer are not necessarily my own:

WARNING: The author of this article (Jose Luis Nunez) would like to point out that he is not completely cracked in the skull, but just really likes violence. God bless Amerika.

  • Earthseed. What the HECK?! What on earth kind of cockamamie religion is this supposed to be? That’s precisely the point. While averaging a dissappointing 0% on the slaughter-people-in-the-name-of-your-mother’s-nose-hair meter, this religion boasts full speed and many promises. Heck, I’ve talked with the main church headquarters in New Zealand (pop. 1) and have recently received word that they plan to begin beheading infidels in the name of the great earth and the great seed (isn’t a duality god great?) as soon as they get three more members! Traditionally, in the religion, it would seem, there is a requirement that there be three members present during the beheading. One to hold the camera, another to wield the knife, and the third to reap all the windfall profits from investing heavily in the fertilizer industry.
  • Pastafarianism. While I normally object to being touched in inappropriate places by some noodly appendage, I don’t know where this one’s been. Not to mention, I have deep suspicions about any deity as sexist (as one who claims to have very meaty balls). Still, Osama Bin Laden was recently caught worshiping a bowl of angel-hair Russo-sauced spaghetti. I saw it meself, and I thought to meself: “HOLY HELL!” The man behind the orchestration of the 9/11 attacks, who was given the most excruciating punishment of all time (living with knowing what he did was wrong), is actually worshipping a bowl of friggin’ spaghetti! They say the Holy Cilantro warms the heart mightily, as it passes through the well-muscled esophagus and gastrointestinal system, ultimately leaving the body in the form of slightly browner Holy Cilantro. That settles it. Pastafarianism is number 4.
  • Buddhism. Hmm… people who speak in an artificial language and believe that self-annihilation is the way to go? That’s beautiful! *sniff* I know what you’re thinking, you elitist, white-collar, english-muffin eating anglophile (my apologies to the browner peoples of the world.). You’re thinking that Buddhists embrace the concept of “escape from samsara and the reduction of suffering,” not the total annihilation of self! Well, perhaps I have been less than honest. Apparently, enlightenment is the realization that all is nothing and nothing is all. Doesn’t that mean they’re already annihilated!? Doesn’t it!? They can kill themselves with the power of thought! And Milefu, the Chinese Buddha, definitely scores them points. Unfortunately, I have yet to see the Dalai Lama actually punch through steel – so they’re going to get an honorable mention for now.
  • Roman Catholocism. Most. People. Disemboweled. Ever. That includes Jesus, kiddies. 😉 But wait, you say, wasn’t it the Jews who crucified Jesus? I know, right! That scene in The Passion of the Christ where *mumble* *mumble* … and then there’s this baby that comes out, and all the soldiers are – perhaps I have gotten off-base? Anyway, as if that wasn’t enough for God to kill himself to save a pile of dirt, the very fact that the pile of dirt was responsible for Jesus needing to be sacrificed just goes to show it doesn’t get much better than a wrathful, angry, pissant-head of a God who wants nothing more than love… Nice going, Dumbledore! And now folks, here it is, the moment you’ve been waiting for, the Number One Religion of the World is… *drumroll*
  • Islam. Ladies and gents, allow me to explain something. Once upon a time, there was an iron-fisted Pope who crushed all who didn’t obey (sadly, almost ALL did) with fiery damnation and burning at the stake. This Pope was the head of a mighty and strong religion, that sadly, no longer has the energy to wipe out entire indigenous populations, or extort money for the accumulated wealth of the world’s poor. In sad times like these, we need a bold new religion. One that will wipe the atrocities of Hiroshima and U2 music off the map. We NEED islam. With the old Christianity falling down to… ummmmm… purgatory? Islam actually believes that someone who kills 17 other people, while KILLING THEMSELVES, has the cojones to handle 73 virgin bean-women. And to that, I say: Godspeed.