Your Horiscope for Today

My personal fortune teller (let's call him “Al”) tells me that these predictions are absolutely true…
Aquarius: There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-a-mole 17 hours a day.
Pisces: Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
Aries: The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus: You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini: Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer: The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.
Leo: Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik.
Virgo: All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.
Libra: A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine - remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio: Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius: All your friends are laughing behind your back - KILL THEM! Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.
Capricorn: The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person… but you know they're lying. If i were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never, never, never, never, never leave my house again.
Any questions?

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