The Top Ten Ways to Win a Writing Contest

This would have been swordofdestiny’s submission for the HP Magic Giveaway, but he’s a chat room moderator and ineligible. However, since I’ve received hundreds of poorly written and plagiarized articles today, I felt the need to share his list with you. If you’d like to submit your own ORIGINAL how-to, what-is, or top-five list, you can send it to me. Views and opinions of this writer are very close to my own:

1. Choose a completely overdone topic. Don’t go out on a limb and try something new. Stick with what everyone else writes about. It works! Don’t contribute anything new to your overdone topic.
2. Rant about your topic. Everyone enjoys a good soapbox rant! So do it! Make it a long and boring rant that regurgitates everything you’ve ever heard about the topic. If anything is contrary to your belief, dismiss it as bias. No one can possibly oppose you! You know it all! They know nothing!
3. Be vulgar! Be very vulgar! Vulgarity is like the salt and pepper of a good manuscript. Your writing is useless unless it contains at least one occurrence of each word in George Carlin’s “Seven Deadly Words.”
4. Make references to all of your favorite movies, tv shows, and books! Who cares if the adjudicator has never seen an episode of Star Trek? If they haven’t your paper is obviously too good for them to read. They should rinse their eyeballs in vinegar for such a blasphemy!
5. Misuse the words “your” and “you’re.” Remember, those two words are interchangeable. Forget that one is the possessive form of you and the other a contraction of the two words “you” and “are.” Misuse “its” and “it’s” for bonus points!
6. Use LeetSpeak. Obviously, if the adjudicators can’t read your manuscript they are intellectually inferior to your “pwn4g1ng 0f t3h n00bz0rz.”
7. Don’t indent! Indentation is for people who like too many spaces! When you indent you lose precious space that you could be filling with your intellectual greatness!
8. Forget using the enter key! The enter key is cruise control for failing! Make your manuscript one long super paragraph. When you do, the adjudicators can smell the amazing palette of words that you are sending towards them.
9. Forget grammar, spelling and punctuation. Don’t let the mechanics of writing properly in English perturb you from emptying your soul onto the paper. Proper grammar, spelling and punctuation is for unintellectual baboons who should be banished back into the jungle from whence they came.
10. Plagiarize. Who cares if it’s illegal? At least one person, somewhere on the World Wide Web, has written about your topic before. Why put forth the effort to make something original? Why do it yourself when someone else has done it for you?

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