The Real Me

Me: A whole lot of nothing. My parents wouldn't let me watch any R-rated movies,
and I didn't own a radio until I was in the 8th grade. Computers were used
for word processing and nothing else. It was a lot like Gattaca, only
without Ethan Hawke. I spent a lot of time in my room. Not because I got in
trouble, but because Mothra would attack me every time I went outside.

I did it because I couldn't find anybody else doing it. Lockergnome has
always been about delivering tech-related content in a personalized manner.
It turned into a vicious, life-sucking pre-occupation that destroyed my
personal life. Like I ever had one?! Eh, it's better than sitting around
making up interview questions for dorks who live in San Francisco. I mean…
what was the question, again?

Some schmuck already took “Microsoft.” I was a little upset about it, but
nothing that my friend Jeff Gillooly couldn't fix. Unfortunately, he was
pre-occupied, so I had to go with Lockergnome. Damnit.

I'm still doing it 100%, baby! Most wouldn't know it, because I can't talk
about that stuff on my show very often. Why? Mothra. It's difficult to take
on two full-time positions, but at least I'm doing what I love to do. That
would be racing beef jerky sticks. Naturally.

That's only a rumor. You have absolutely no evidence to support your
accusation. My propensity to favor the external channeling of energy has no
bearing on this interview. Hyperactivity gets too much play in the press,
anyway. My attention span is normal for any… is that bone?

The first thing she asked when I brought up the possibility of relocating
was: “When?” The second thing she asked was: “Why haven't you picked me up
from the airport yet?” It was a very awkward situation. Here I was, a
champion for technology in Iowa, being called out of the state to host a
live daily television program. At first, I was like: “I wonder if I'll get
my own lightsaber?” And then, I was like: “Dude!? I wonder if I'll get my
own Bantha!”
It was a difficult decision. Ultimately, I wound up with the Bat'leth due to
some contractual obligation with the Federation.

Pretty damn. Oh yeah, I cuss a lot. More than I know I should, but you can't
say certain things on TV. Like boobie. You just can't say that. You can in
San Francisco. They're a lot more open about those kinds of things. Living
here, I see things that I'd rather not see. Like Mothra.

Very strange. Like the first time with a woman. In many cases, that was my
first time with a woman - on television, of course. Oh sure, I had done my
fair share of interviews, but they meant nothing to me. Absolutely nothing.
My first solo show was just as awkward. You're not sure about yourself, you
have to rely on a different set of stimuli, you become your own support
team. But like the borg, I adapted. Only without all those wires and stuff.
The only implants I want are pectoral - and instead of silicon, I want
non-hydrogenated peanut butter.

Generally speaking, I start preparing for that day's show a few hours before
rehersal. Then, we do the show. In the early afternoon, we have a meeting or
two. Then, I'm bored off my rocker. You can only prepare so much, and I
reserve that for the morning of. Oh, and I pee when I have to - but those
trips are typically unscheduled.

My wallet, my keys, my digital camera (currently a Canon Powershot S45), my
TechTV badge, my Peet's Frequent Drinker card, my cell phone, my Pocket PC
(currently an HP Jornada 548), and sometimes 'y.'

I was cloned a little over three weeks ago, and my evil twin is now hellbent
on obliterating any kind of reputation that I may have attained. I cannot
confirm (nor deny) any involvement (direct or indirect) with this person. I
think it's funny what he's doing, but I don't see how he could hope to make
any serious funds with it. Last I heard, he's generated over $700 in revenue
over the past couple of weeks. Insane what people will pay for. His chest,
you say?

Toad the Wet Sprocket, Bleu, Moxy Fruvous, Barenaked Ladies, Poached Salmon
in a White Wine Sauce, They Might Be Giants, Frente, Nirvana, Suzanne Vega,
and the Soundtrack for Revenge of the Nerds.

I think that's what my dad wanted to call me. He also wanted to call me
“Little Bobo.” I'm happy they settled on Chris, as that's what everybody
calls me. I've also been called: Cosmo, Apple, and Fingercuffs.

It's about the Internet, and it's going to be (no joke) over a thousand
pages long. We've already sold 1,000,000 copies - most of which to my mom. I
don't think she has the credit, but… I don't have the heart to break it to
her. She's really a nice lady, being married to my dad, and all.

Yes. I also encourage them to look beyond what I'm doing for the network.
I've got Lockergnome, Gnometomes, Gnomedex, this book, RentMyAss… I mean,
my blog. “Gnomedex III: The Fellowship of the Geeks” is currently in its
initial stages. We're not sure where it's going to be held, but rest
assured - this'll be the best geek “pop culture” event of the weekend!

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