Ponzi’s returned from her hiatus, it seems – aided by a desktop publishing tool (no, not Windows Live Writer – which I believe is still at the “barely noteworthy” stage). She’s really upset about this whole John Mark Karr situation – not because of what he may have done, but because of the way the media is covering what he had for dinner on the plane. Even if Karr didn’t kill JonBenet Ramsey, he’s still a dickwad – and the media are even bigger dickwads for spending so much time talking about this dickwad.

THIS JUST IN! John Mark Karr has eaten a Tootsie Roll. I repeat, John Mark Karr – who has been proven innocent and guilty and innocent again by us – has now ingested a Tootsie Rool. For more on this situation, we turn to our candy correspondent in Colorado, Julie Flappingums. Julie, does this mean that Tootsie Rolls are the candies preferred by dickwads? Will John Mark Karr’s intestinal tract reject or embrace the Tootsie Roll? Will candy sales slip because of this? Interesting. Thanks, Julie – keep up the good work. And now back to the War in Iraq – brought to you by Massengill.

John Mark Karr Eats Candy!