Tag Archives: tips

You Can’t Buy and Sell Your Friends

Yeah, I’m a self-proclaimed Empire Avenue addict. I can’t pretend to understand it half as much as other community members do, but I’ve certainly learned my way around the system. “EAv” has been an amazing community and conversation accelerator.

One thing Empire Avenue is NOT about? Buying and selling your friends.

As much as I love Empire Avenue, that has to be one of the worst positioning statements for it. I was able to look past it long enough to dig into the site’s value (and, believe me, I’ve already experienced an insane amount of value from the “game”). However, too many people have been turned off by the initial messaging. I’ve made sincere pleas to the team to remove any reference to this phrase. Not only is it offensive – it’s just NOT accurate.

I noted in my extensive list of Empire Avenue tips that it isn’t Facebook – which sounds like a rhetorical assertion, but not when you consider that some users unwittingly treat it as such. I also noted (as did EAv CEO, (e)DUPS, in a recent interview with (e)RLAVIGNE): your friends are most likely bad investments on EAv. 😉

There was a private Facebook thread from (e)MAYHEMSTUDIOS, wherein he uploaded a photo of a t-shirt given to him by Dups. The text reads: “Buy is the new Like.” Of course, this is a direct play on the action of investing in a stock on EAv. It’s pithy, but I’m not sure the implied diametric is accurate (yes, I realize ‘diametric’ is an adjective – but its usage here seems cromulent).

In EAv, Sell is absolutely NOT the new Unlike, Unfriend, or anything of the sort.

I’ve seen a few EAv users take offense when someone sells their shares. They’re certainly entitled to feel however they feel – but that’s NOT necessarily an unfriending action, nor is it necessarily an unliking action. The stock (itself, or its relative value) is NOT the person behind the stock. I’ve maintained and grown my connections with people I’ve met through EAv on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, LinkedIn, etc. – even if I never invested in their stock, or even if I once invested in their stock and subsequently diminished that investment.

You may decide never to sell a stock you’ve purchased – that’s cool, too. But if selling wasn’t a part of EAv, they wouldn’t have included the feature. 😉 For me, the gesture of selling is also a gesture of wanting to accelerate engagement.

While I don’t participate in the practice of returning shares-for-shares, some people want that level of reciprocation. Imagine if you had to friend everybody who friended you on Facebook (I tried – it doesn’t work well), follow everybody who followed YOU on Twitter (I tried – it doesn’t work well). EAv is predicated on the model of using your eaves to invest in more stocks. The more eaves you make, the more stocks you can invest in – and I believe that if you aren’t careful about your investments, you may not be able to maximize the amount of stocks you can invest in. This may sound “heartless” to some, but it’s actually JUST the opposite – you SHOULD want to do better to get better to play better to be better.

Whatever your definition of “better” is.

Yes, if you’re someone who seeks investment parity and you’re not receiving it, you’ll likely encounter disappointment at every other turn. When someone drops your shares, it might sting a little – but, I tell ya, it’s fun to watch some people comment in threads about how they regretted that decision after your stock started to perform better. 😉 Lord knows, I’ve made a few mistakes!

You can always return. You can always reinvest. Always!

There are countless ways to engage other EAv players – and other users will likely have different motivations than you. Success, much like “better,” remains relative. Some people want the most shareholders. Some people want the most eaves. Some people want the most achievements. Some people want the highest stock price. Some people want the CEO title. Some people want the most actions. Some people want to maximize business connections. Some people want to discover new content. Some people want to produce the most amount of dividends for their shareholders. Some people want the highest network score. Some people want… different returns on their time.

Nobody (absolutely NOBODY) is doing EAv “wrong” if they’re getting out of it what they want to get out of it.

This morning, I became the first EAv user to pass the 200 share-price mark – which, as (e)JKW just commented on my profile page, is amazing. I responded: “More amazing for you.” For you see, my friends, the true impetus of Empire Avenue (as I see it) is driving value for others, not for yourself. By becoming a top returning stock, I have helped others generate better cash flow which they have turned around and used to invest in other stocks – meeting other people in the process.

Trust me: I understand how community works.

And, while you may disagree, I also believe that the onus is on a user to be a good investment to help the investor do better – NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. For example, you could sink all of your eaves into a poor-performing stock and it still won’t perform as well as a good-performing stock. I’ve done my best to show people how to engage to drive up their dividends (which helps EVERYBODY), but blindly reciprocating an action doesn’t always yield true balance.

It’s not that I’m being a jerk about it – it’s just that there are only SO MANY EAVES in a day. 😉 I can’t make ’em appear out of thin air. Yet.

Please don’t ask me to buy you – ask me to help you. I will do my best!

I still comment and participate with people who invest in me – even if I don’t invest in them. They’ll frequently ask me questions, and I’ll openly offer assistance in return (for free, by the way). There are other groups who are just as willing to help you along – [X], #SocialEmpire, TeamZEN, et al. We don’t have to agree on everything to share a common goal: to make Empire Avenue awesome.

Next week, I’m flying across the country to have what will likely be the biggest business meeting of my entire life – and it’s all thanks to meeting someone on Empire Avenue. Still think it’s a waste of time? I don’t.

How to Optimize OS X


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Someone in chat asked if there are tips and tricks to fine-tune OS X. Why yes, young grasshopper, there are actually many ways you can optimize your Mac!

I recently came across MacKeeper. If you’re interested in this software, I can try to get you a discount on it. It’s a piece of software that is a bundle of most important system utilities for performing different tasks on your Mac. It helps you navigate through files and even clean out your cache quickly. It includes unparalleled support, which is fantastic. I was having an issue on my Mac that no one could figure out… until I asked MacKeeper.

It even scans all of the software on the computer to tell you what updates you may need. It even lets you know if you are lacking in some areas, such as anti-virus and anti-theft. You can also use the application to encrypt or shred your data and files.

If you’re looking for a Mac system optimizer, this is the best one out there as far as I’m concerned.

iPhone and iPod touch Tips and Tricks


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David created this fantastic screencast to give all of you some tips and tricks for your iPhone and iPod touch that you may not have known about.

  • Double Tap for Music – When in the lock screen and listening to music, double tap your home button. It will bring up a small menu of things to do.
  • Experience Music Differently – When in your iPod, you can do a number of things, such as shake the device to shuffle the play list.
  • Monitor Data Usage – Go into Settings and check your data usage under general and see the stats on what you’ve done on your phone. You’ll find out how much data you have used, how many texts you have sent and etc.
  • Spotlight Search – When on the home screen, slide your finger to the right and the search screen will show up. It’s simple to find a song, file or contact in an instant.
  • How to Take a Screen Shot – To take a screen shot, hold the Lock button and the Home button at the same time. The screen shot will appear in your Photos folder.
  • Accessibility Options – This tip is for people who may need to have larger text on the screen.
  • White on Black (Invert Colors) – Inverting the colors looks great, and is easier on the eyes for some people.
  • Delete and Move Apps – To move an app, hold your finger down on the app until it starts to shake. Move it out of the folder it’s in. Click the Home button to finish. To delete an app, hold your finger down on the app and then click the little red x in the corner.
  • How to Caps Lock – Double click your shift button. Once it turns blue, you are in Caps Lock mode.
  • How to Clear History – Go into your Settings and scroll down to Safari. At the bottom of the screen, clear your History, Cookies and Cache.
  • Turn of Notifications – Go into Settings and click Notifications. This will bring up a list of the apps on your device. Slide the notification to “off” if you don’t want to receive these updates.

There you have it – eleven excellent tips and tricks for anyone who uses an iDevice – from beginners to power users.

Thanks, David, for the excellent tutorial.

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What are Your Best YouTube Tips?


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As part of an ongoing educational series of blog posts, YouTube has asked me to create a video on how to build your brand and audience. This is the last video in a series of 4 videos from different partners.

  • Don’t let people go without letting them know where you are! – You’re not ONLY on YouTube, right? Make sure you tell people where to find you online… give them your Twitter handle, your blog link and even your Facebook Fan Page URL.
  • Lead with a link in your video description! – YouTube will automatically turn that into a link people will click. Trust me – they WILL click.
  • Bring people elsewhere! – Friendster… LinkedIn… bring your subscribers with you!
  • Embed your videos elsewhere! – If you don’t already have a blog, I don’t know what you’re waiting for. You’re going to get a lot more coverage if you spread the love. I recommend checking out TubeMogul. You can set up accounts in several different places and use TubeMogul to seed your content to all of them at once.
  • Support your most prolific supporters! – If you have someone who always comments positively on your videos, let others know that you appreciate it. It will encourage more people to become a strong supporter.

You can check out all of my tips if you like.

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How to Stay Productive in Small Business

Seth David has put together a fantastic eBook of 140 tips and tricks to help keep you on track each and every day. Productivity fluctuates based on our outer – and inner – distractions. Anything from our body temperature to crowd noise to having too much to do can – and WILL – change how our day goes. Seth has put together a list of things that you should be doing on a regular basis in order to help you stay focused.

You’ll find some basic health tips in this eBook, along with some seriously important business gems. One of my favorites has to be:

When a customer complains, correct the mistake — they care more about how you handle the complaint than what they are complaining about.

Look for a guest blog post from Seth about the above gem in the near future. He will be explaining this idea more in depth to help you understand why this is absolutely critical if you are going to succeed.

I feel that this eBook is well worth your time and money… to the point that I am happily endorsing it with my branding and name. Seth’s advice is right-on and will help give you a leg up in a world where every move you make can have a huge impact on your business.

50 Divorce Tips for Men

co-authored by Imei Hsu (RN, MAC, LMHC)

Okay, so someone doesn’t want to be with you anymore – or you don’t want to be with her. There are 6.7 billion other people on this planet for you to get to know. When it comes to finding a loving, compatible relationship, it really isn’t over until… well, it’s never really over.

The idea for this collection of suggestions actually came about after I recognized that people were searching Google for more information on my own divorce(s). Not to mention, I’ve had close guy friends who have gone through divorces ask me how I have coped. Well…

It’s okay to ask for help. I’ve co-authored this set of tips with Imei Hsu (RN, MAC, LMHC). The list is far from complete, but it’s based on our collective experience – me as a divorcé, and she as a relationship counselor. She’s not MY therapist, of course – but if you’d like help with your own relationship issues, she takes clients from all around the country in a virtual capacity via Seattle Counseling. She’s even available to help you via email or Skype.

How can a guy survive divorce? It’s not easy. Take heart in knowing you’re not alone, but don’t expect to rush out to the book store and find a shelf full of help for you. Most “support” documentation has been written with females in mind. After all, doesn’t modern society encourage the myth that it’s wrong for a man to ask for help?

Disclaimer:

Marriage is the most sacred of trusts between two people. Therefore, the dissolution of a marriage is no laughing matter, and we take it very seriously.

The following tips are meant to be thoughts to consider while you navigate the muddy waters of divorce. They are not meant to be a replacement for counseling or coaching from a trained professional. We hope that these ideas might help guide you towards resources and strategies to make the best possible decisions for yourself and your family. We (Bernice Imei Hsu and Chris Pirillo / Lockergnome) cannot be held liable for any unanticipated outcomes you might encounter by misapplying these tips to your own relationship.

This article is intended to provide accurate information for men facing a marital separation, but is shared with the understanding that neither the publisher nor the authors are engaged in rendering any financial, investment, legal, tax, or other advice. If you desire specific advice, consult a trusted and competent professional. Any similarities between the anecdotes the authors present and any actual person, living or deceased, is entirely coincidental.

Many of the suggestions we share in this list can be applied to a same-sex partnership and/or civil union. Please read the gender specifications with this in mind. We honor that any love relationship that ends can be difficult and painful.

We’ve also posted divorce tips for women, too.

If anything, just know that you’re not the first guy to go through a divorce – and you certainly will not be the last. We encourage you to find or create gatherings in your city that allow you to safely explore options concerning your divorce and recovery. Check out our page “Divorce Sucks” on Facebook.

  1. Make a commitment to take better care of yourself: mind, body, and soul. You are going to need everything you have to close the relationship. When it comes to the body, it’s “garbage in, garbage out.” If your partner has been providing all the meals, it’s time for you to learn simple procedures. Dining out every day is not only expensive, it may not be healthy unless you know something about selecting balanced meals. Consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: at the bottom level, you should be meeting your needs for food, shelter, rest, and safety.

    Get a haircut. Shower. Shave. Wear cologne. Don’t forget to remove extraneous ear and nose hair. The first thing to go for most men is self-maintenance. Keep your job and keep your friends by not smelling like beer and pizza, or looking like that’s all you eat.

    And if you didn’t do any of that before the divorce, there’s no time like the present to begin!

  2. Don’t engage in unnecessary emotional banter with your soon-to-be ex-partner (or anybody connected to her in some capacity for that matter). These fights are almost never worth having on the way out the door of the relationship. Be the bigger person in the room: end the fight, attempt to set up a more productive time to discuss any necessary questions or plans, and leave the room, if necessary or possible.
  3. Think before you put anything in writing: email, tweet, letter, etc. Whatever you post online could end up there forever. In the heat of the moment, it might seem funny to take revenge and say some tactless words, post funny pictures of your partner, or shame your partner by disclosing sacred stories shared between the two of you. If you must, write it down for PRIVATE purposes, have your laugh, and then discard it. You’ll be glad you didn’t air your passive-aggressive move in the public sector.
  4. Don’t use your partner as a therapist for your emotions. Ask friends to listen empathetically (without much feedback) if you need to vent. Pets make great listeners!

    Do not use your partner as a dumping ground for your guilt, anger, or remorse. If you have apologies to make for your behavior, let your partner know, and let your partner choose a time to hear this from you. Process your guilt and anger with someone else (but exercise discretion).

  5. Call your closest friends and family and ask for their support without taking sides or placing judgment on either you or your partner. Ask them to be there for you when either you or your partner moves out, to talk with your children (if there are any), and watch your pets while on travel or vacations. Most people feel helpless as to how they can be a part of your life when you are in transition or crisis. Make a list of some easy tasks or involvement that lets your closest confidants know how much you need them and want them to be a part of your life – on either side of the divorce.
  6. Do your best to get adequate sleep, food, and exercise on a regular basis. Schedule it into your calendar like you would meetings for work. Food and exercise help elevate your mood, as well as give you energy to stay in the game [Music is also an instant mood elevator, as it is pure emotion. Design some playlists of music that makes you feel upbeat and positive – and play it when you wake up in the morning.]
  7. Don’t drink and/or drug your way through your issues. You need a clear head and steady emotions to handle the many difficult choices ahead. If you notice you’ve been hitting the bottle often, try other mood-elevating activities, such as exercise, music, rest, and spending time with good friends in an enjoyable activity.

    That’s not to say it’s not fun to dull the senses every so often, but if it gets to the point that the ONLY way you can rest is by drinking or drugging yourself there, it’s time to rethink your strategy.

  8. If you have difficulty sleeping or eating because of depression or anxiety, seek medical attention from an MD or a therapist. Imei suggests you shouldn’t let this go longer than three weeks; immediately if you have thoughts of harming yourself or others. If you still can’t sleep well past three weeks, it’s time to help your body get back into a rhythm.

    The Web is a great resource to find local health practitioners who treat Adjustment Disorder related to stress and transitions such as a divorce. If you have health insurance from your employer, you’re paying for these benefits, anyway (might as well use them).

    This kind of problem likely isn’t going to take care of itself.

  9. Notify family and hold age-appropriate conversations with your children as soon as you have both made a decision to end the relationship. Have a plan in place, and be open to feedback and negotiation, on how to best care for your children. You’d hate to discover this kind of information about one of your family members from someone who wasn’t a part of the family, wouldn’t you?
  10. Seek a therapist or life coach to help process issues related to the ending of a relationship, especially if you feel you are repeating familiar patterns that lead you to feel you are “stuck”. This person should not be connected to you or her in any other capacity. Don’t expect them to pass judgment in your favor, either – that’s potentially the court’s responsibility. A fresh perspective is seldom a poor one.

    The dirty little secret in some marriages is the amount of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse originating from the woman rather than the man. Shame usually binds these men to silence, but the plethora of websites addressing spousal abuse, custody rights for men, and resources for emotional abuse tell us that you are not alone.

  11. There is a reason why people warn you about the “rebound” relationship. Consider yourself vulnerable, and don’t be too eager to jump into another serious relationship.

    Rule of thumb: one month of singleness for every year of marriage. If you have been married for many years, tell yourself to not be in any hurry to find another partner (for any kind of serious relationship – including another marriage). Slow down, take your time, and give an appropriate rest to the relationship you are ending.

  12. Set rules for communication with your soon-to-be-ex-partner, including when to end discussions that become heated. Even if you think you’re headed for an amicable split, you should expect the unexpected.

    It’s likely that communication issues are what tore the two of you apart – you should expect they’ll worsen while in the process of deciding how to end your partnership.

    If need be, call in an arbiter – a neutral party. Family or friends don’t usually count (the exception: cultures that use an older family member to solve domestic disputes).

  13. Don’t binge on anything: spending money, sex, drinking, drugs, TV, entertainment, sleep. Most of these will simply serve to dissociate you from what you need to attend to. If an activity is overtaking your responsibilities, you’re probably bingeing.

    Not only is this behavior typically self-destructive, you probably don’t want to give any more fuel to the other side’s fire.

  14. If you ever thought that mediation and yoga might be useful, this would be a good time to investigate. More than 18.3 million people in the U.S. say they practice yoga on a regular basis. It’s likely being offered in your gym or an area studio. If you think it’s for women, think again: most of the most prominent teachers of yoga are men. Yoga clears the way for mediation to occur. You’ll like the way you feel and think after a few sessions of asana (physical component of Yoga).

    Set up private sessions if you’re feeling self-conscious about it.

  15. Make a list of the things you enjoy doing, and try to work in one of two of those activities a week, such as shooting hoops with friends or working on a hobby or project. Enjoyable tasks will help to ground you in the understanding that there is life after divorce. It might actually be fun! If you don’t have a hobby, make a list of things you’ve always wanted to try: sailing, scuba diving, painting, wine tasting, cooking, partner dancing, playing a musical instrument. Look in your local community college catalog, comb online class offerings, and sign up for lessons in whatever your interest is.
  16. The person you are divorcing is not the same person you married. If you’re shocked at the anger, bitterness, ambivalence, or venom you are receiving from your partner, remind yourself that divorce is difficult for both people, no matter the circumstances. If her reaction seems like “more of the same” (i.e. it has been this way with you from the get-go), don’t spend a lot of time using logic or reason to “fix” the reactions you are receiving. Count yourself fortunate you are ending this relationship, as it isn’t good for either of you to continue hating each other and fighting.

    You may never receive answers to your questions about this relationship. The more you keep looking for “why,” the more frustrated you will likely become.

  17. Read books on divorce that are balanced and fair. There is a way to divorce without becoming bitter or tainted. Make notes of the things you need to do. If you prefer workshops, look on the web for a “Divorce Bootcamp”, but be prepared for much of these to be overrun by women.

    If you’re looking for materials to help you place blame on her and the things she did, or to help you justify your decisions, you’re not doing yourself any favors.

  18. Be respectful of your personal needs for space and “quiet,” and be respectful of your partner’s needs as well. If you are doing a partial separation under the same roof, get reacquainted with your MP3 player and Bose noise-canceling headphones – and be aware that using your PS3 at 2am at full blast is likely going to agitate your mind (and hers). Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss household rules to make this awkward period of time a little easier on the both of you.

    And yes, believe it or not, this scenario (especially in a down economy) is quite common. It can save money, but shouldn’t be done at the cost of your mutual sanity. A mediator or counselor can be very helpful in creating boundaries and rules of a separation under the same roof.

  19. If you use the Internet to communicate, refrain from using emotional language. Keep it to business and simple questions. If the emails are lengthy, remind your partner of the purpose of the communications, and stick to those reasons yourself. If you feel you are being repeatedly harassed by the content of the emails, scan them briefly and save them for a rainy day with your attorney.

    It’s possible that anything you do can be used against you – in or out of context. If you are unsure if you should send a particular email, have a trusted friend read it and make suggestions. Rule of thumb: never send an email when you are angry or exhausted.

  20. If you have an attorney involved in coming up with an amicable agreement or a hostile takeover, don’t use your attorney as a therapist. You’ll only waste time and money, and your attorney will likely send you to a therapist. You want your attorney in your corner, so watch it if you tend to vent your frustrations with a raised voice, expletives, or passive-aggressive threats.
  21. If the lines of communication are still open (relatively speaking), and neither one of you is pleading “no contest,” consider looking into the option for what they call a “Collaborative Divorce.” It’s far less vicious than the traditional divorce through legal means. Be warned that a collaborative lawyer is not the same process.

    This option, of course, is assuming it’s not too late to opt for a friendlier split.

  22. Respect your needs for a safe and private living space, including temporary accommodations. If you’re the one to move out, do your best not to live like the stereotypical bachelor. That’s usually pretty darn depressing! If you have your children over to your place, it might alienate them from you. If you are the one who remains in the house, have your partner store or remove her things in a timely manner. Have a friend take a look at your space and make suggestions on what you need to make your space more comfortable and inviting. A man’s home is is castle.

    Related to your space, people ask Imei what to do with sentimental items, such as pictures and personalized objects (i.e. charging glasses, etched glass frames, etc). The time of the divorce is not the only time you will grieve this relationship’s end, just like a funeral is not the only time you grieve the loss of a loved one. Suggestion: gather a few boxes and fill them with the sentimental items. Seal them with tape and store them in an attic or a closet that you do not access on a regular basis. One year from the time of your divorce settlement, grab a friend, open the box, and sort through the items. You’ll know if it’s time to either keep them, donate them, recycle, or (in the case of one person I knew) smash the charging glasses with a baseball bat.

    One recycling tip: remove large pictures of your wedding from its frame, discard the picture, and reuse the frame at a local frame shop with new art. Better yet, learn how to re-frame art yourself and save money.

  23. Make sure to schedule time with your children and your pets. The energy it takes to care for yourself will often displace what you have to give to others.

    Do your best to communicate how much you care, and how you will make sure that they have access to you as much if not more as before the divorce. If your children are 14 or older, they have some stake in custody issues. Listen to their needs, recognize that they may need someone to vent anger and fear with (including anger AT you), and reserve your own hurt for a session with your therapist, good friend, or family member.

    Animals are sensitive to your presence and absence, and need more care than just food, water, and exercise. Put your pets on a schedule as well for health care, grooming, activity, and interaction.

  24. Let people give to you [unless the giver is a slithery golddigger – in which case, drop kick her to the curb]. If your sister wants to come over and make a bunch of fresh food to put into your freezer, let her. If your best man-buddy offers to come help you move furniture, say please and thank you.

    Thinking you can make it through this experience alone is naïve – I don’t care how strong you THINK you are.

  25. This would NOT be a good time to post pictures of yourself with younger and happier-looking bimbos (even IF you paid good money for them at that strip club). As much as that might be ego-boosting to you, it will not get you what you want out of your divorce. In fact, it could score you less leverage in the long-run.

    She’s going to think whatever she wants to think – no matter what you do or do NOT do. Don’t give her any more ammunition, okay? Don’t stop living life, but don’t flaunt your indiscretions, either.

  26. Though the Klingon’s are right, “Revenge is a dish best served cold” – you don’t really want to take revenge on your partner (even if you feel like you do). The elation that MIGHT come from retaliation to any perceived (or actual) wrong-doings is only short-term – and is not itself a solution.

    If you really want to survive this divorce, don’t destroy yourself (or anybody else) in this process. We believe it is entirely possible to come out a better person on the other side of divorce. Hopefully, you’ll both be better people.

  27. Leave her friends and family out of your fights – and ask her to leave yours out of hers. If necessary, use a mediator or a therapist to help the two of you process the ending of the marriage. A mediator can call a “time out” when things get heated, and name when either of you are investigating unhelpful directions.

    This will probably be the most difficult suggestion to follow.

  28. Make plans to say good-bye to your partner’s family of origin. Just because you are divorcing your partner doesn’t mean that family members don’t want to say good-bye. They may not be happy, but saying good-bye is part of doing closure on this chapter of your life.

    If and when this happens, don’t share ANYTHING other than pleasantries and a heart-felt good-bye without sarcasm or complaint.

  29. If you aren’t planning on celibacy during your divorce process, be responsible. Take any tests necessary if you have any question about exposing yourself to an STD during your marriage (or if you’ve moved on with other sexual partners). Don’t be stupid: you don’t need to take anyone’s word for it. Get tested before further activity, and always use protection.
  30. You can still impregnate your partner with a “last fuck” (a.k.a. “for good time’s sake” sex). If you decide to have sex with your partner during the divorce, you should also decide what kind of birth control to use.

    “Last fuck” sex is almost always a bad idea. It tends to confuse the issues and pour more hurt on any open wounds. That doesn’t mean there won’t be moments that you catch a glimpse of your partner, and recall the special moments of intimacy and ecstasy you share. However, you won’t be able to resolve any relational issues with sex. If your partner is resistant to the separation and tries to put the moves on you, you may find yourself in the strange and undiscovered country of saying no to sex. You’re not crazy. Just say “no”.

  31. Although the process can be a time of learning for both partners, it usually isn’t a great time to do any kind of risky experimentation, such as a risky business venture, sexual experimentation past your own limits, or huge changes in jobs or lifestyle arrangements. Although potentially exciting, they tend to sap energy away from constructive change [plus your friends who act like they envy you will likely be laughing at you and thinking you need to grow up]. For example, wearing silver spandex publicly is almost never a good idea.

    Almost.

  32. If you are middle-aged (or older) and your marriage has lasted longer than 15 years, it’s likely time for a relationship “tune up”. Even if you blame your partner for the divorce, you are NOT God’s gift to women. You might want to brush up on everything – from cooking to communication. It’s a whole new world out there!
  33. Look outside of your own frame of reference for clues as to what “fair and equitable” means. By knowing how these terms translate into dollars, cents, objects, and your partner’s well-being, you will neither be “taken for a ride” nor be unfair to your partner and children. Every state / country is equipped with different laws. It is your responsibility to know your rights.
  34. Things are just things. Items can usually be replaced. If you find yourself getting angry about what possessions you are about to lose or give away, remind yourself: “these are just things”. You get to keep your soul. No one can take that away from you.
  35. Take a break from talking about the ills of the relationship and the divorce process every once and awhile. Watch a movie, play catch with the kids, walk your dog. When most of your thoughts are negative, so will your life experience be.
  36. If your self-esteem has taken a blow (i.e. you’re the one being dumped), do your best to figure out what went wrong, and put yourself on a self-improvement plan. This isn’t for her, it’s for you! Get back in touch with what makes you appreciate your true self. If you simply blow your partner off as the one who needs to change, you will lose your learning opportunity to better yourself.

    The Universe does give second chances, but if you didn’t learn your lesson, it tends to say “Meh” and bestows gifts on someone else. Or worse: dooms you to the same fate. We call it Karma.

  37. Watch a lot of comedy. Laughter really is the best medicine. Expand your repertoire. See the lightness of humor in everything, including your own self-righteousness. If you can’t find a reason to laugh, you’re taking yourself too seriously. The situation sucks, but if you let it get the best of you – that’s precisely what it’ll take from you.
  38. Be prepared to lose friends. In Burt Bacharach’s “Darkest Place”, Elvis Costello croons: “Meanwhile, all our friends must choose who they will favor, who they will lose.” Many people are unable to be friends to both partners; a few might be able to demonstrate the kind of maturity it takes to “hold” while the two of you are at odds with each other. You might also receive some unkind remarks, even if you haven’t done anything overtly wrong.

    People have their own projections and fears about divorce, and they may treat you like your divorce is contagious. Others will take potshots at you (or her) in efforts to feel more superior. Don’t give their remarks too much power over you.

    At the end of the day, you’re in the divorce with her – and nobody else. Do your best to ignore unwarranted, unprofessional, and uneducated judgments.

  39. If you don’t actually know this, it is customary to return the ring to the partner who purchased it. If you purchased her ring, she should return it to you, although you have the option to allow her to keep it. If it was an heirloom from her family, she will keep her ring. If she purchased your ring, you should offer it to her.

    When it comes time to figure out what to do with the ring(s), consider consigning them and offering the money received in a gift towards the children, the house, or some other tangible form of care.

    If you purchased the ring for her and she does not return it… well, that’s rather telling, isn’t it? Remember the previous rule: things are just things.

  40. If this is the first time you have experienced either a marital dissolution or a long-term relationship termination, you should consider various options, timelines, and fiscally-responsible ways to divide your assets according to your state’s or country’s laws. Beyond legalities, however, there are also other considerations: when to remove your partner from a family calling plan for mobile devices, how to deliver adequate health care coverage and for how long, etc. Note that some businesses do not allow you to turn over an account to your former spouse, so who ever is named on it may retain the account value.
  41. Your wife has the choice to retain your last name or revert to her maiden name throughout the divorce process. Your children’s teachers and adult mentors should be notified if there is a change of names for your spouse and/or your children’s names.
  42. You should have an agreeable plan as to when to divide and close any joint accounts at your bank. If you have concerns about unauthorized access to your private bank accounts, change the account numbers, create new passwords for online access, and notify all automatic deposits and withdrawals (i.e. auto deposit from your employer). This includes thinking ahead about the upcoming tax year and whether it makes sense to file taxes jointly or separately.

    This should be one of the first things you try to figure out together. If one person makes the wrong move, it could damage the other party in the short-run – but the wronging-initiator will likely be hurt in the long-run.

  43. Fact: you CANNOT be expected to trust your partner during and after a divorce. Trust issues will abound. Don’t even try to resolve emotional issues between the two of you after you are separated. Work on your issues of trust apart from her, and be aware of your natural propensity to project your trust issues not only on your partner but also on others, including colleagues, friends, children, and lovers.
  44. In all likelihood, the amount of emotional, physical, and spiritual energy it takes to end a marriage will leave you feeling like you are operating at about 60-70% of your normal capacity. You may notice memory lapses, tasks taking more time to complete, difficulty sleeping (or oversleeping), and daydreaming. Use these signs to identify moments when you need to hack yourself, slow down, or do some contemplating on how to work through whatever blocks you are encountering.
  45. Be responsible. Take inventory of any damage you have caused to the relationship. When you’re ready, do your best to make restitution. A few well-timed words can go a long way, along with practical restitution. For example, if you broke her favorite vase, replace it; if you called her mother a bitch, send flowers and an apology Do this even if you aren’t getting this in return from your partner. This is not about her: this is about you doing what it takes to move on and to close the relationship. This may include practicing forgiveness.
  46. As corny as it sounds, practice the attitude of gratitude. Be glad that you are still breathing in and out, even if you believe your partner wishes that you would choke on a chicken bone, die, and hand over your life insurance benefits before the divorce papers are signed. When you connect with why you are still breathing in and out, you have a reason to wake up every morning, get out of bed, go to work, and pay your bills.
  47. One of the feelings you’ll find it most difficult to overcome is your instinct to protect her. You’re dissolving your marriage, whether or not you played a part in that decision. You are primarily responsible for yourself now – not her.

    To repeat: YOU ARE NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE FOR PROTECTING HER.

    And yes, to deny that you (as a male) may have this feeling is to deny your very basic maleness (if you’re mentally healthy). Your relationship is coming to an end, and the sooner you wake up to this, the better off you’re going to be. You can still be nice to her without protecting her – or coming up with excuses as to why she’s doing what she’s doing. If there is some question as to her ability to care for herself or your children, alert a responsible family member and allow that person to step in.

  48. Make a new budget for yourself. Didn’t have one to begin with? If you were waiting for an invitation, this is it. When you don’t have a handle on your finances, you could find yourself (and your credit rating) in gigantic trouble.

    You could be wasting money if you don’t know where it’s coming from and where it’s going. Get a handle on it NOW, even if you weren’t responsible for these matters in the past. Your future stability is at stake as much as hers is.

  49. If she’s not acting to bring closure to the situation, take the lead to make this divorce final. Additionally,lingering issues will not do you any favors if you begin a relationship before the divorce is finalized. Heal old wounds before putting on new clothes.
  50. Document everything. If you hadn’t saved much information to this point, you’ve certainly got your work cut out for you – but it’s not too late. You have the right to obtain copies of what documentation she might have in her possession. In a legal capacity, this is known as “Disclosure.” This might include bank statements, bills, receipts, etc.

    And don’t wait another moment to start recalling and recording names, dates, times, locations, etc. The more you have (and the more you can remember), the better. Facts are far more relevant than opinions in all divorces. You never know when this information might come in handy.

    Even if you don’t need documentation, keeping it won’t hurt – if only for future reference.

Stay focused, keep your wits about you, and remember that this time in your life will pass. Make the most of it.

You have your whole life ahead of you, man – start living it.

If you have other tips to add to this publication, please leave a comment.

Take Time for You When Traveling

I stumbled across this video on my friend Chris Brogan’s new Man on the Go website. Chris travels a lot for business, and has gathered a ton of travel tips, tricks and ideas along the way. He’s also begun embedding videos created by others to help guide you in your travels.

This particular video was shot by Elizabeth Hannan during a trip to Arizona. She has one of the best tips I’ve heard lately: to take time out for YOU on any business trip. When we travel often for business, we tend to get stuck inside a lot. We sit at a desk or slave away on our notebooks around a conference table. We’re meeting people, networking, making connections. We become drones in a sense simply by living our business lives.

Elizabeth pushes us to get outside and live life – even when working. Plan ahead the next time you have to travel. Figure out something you would like to DO in the city that you’re visiting. Heck, instead of meeting with a client or associate in their office, ask them if they’d like to golf, hike or take in the newest art at the museum. Chances are, they’re going to take you up on your offer. They don’t want to be stuck behind a desk, either. This type of bonding experience will go a long way towards creating a positive and lasting business relationship.

Taking time out to do something just for you is healthy for your mind and body. It can keep you from burning out, help you recharge your body and mind and get you a little more of that (dreaded and hateful!!) sunshine.

100 Mac Tips


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If you’re switching from Windows to Mac OS X, I thought I’d help get you started with my top 100 Mac tips. If you’re sticking with Windows, fine – I released the Windows eBook earlier this year (and I hope you scored a copy).

Every day, I get asked questions related to “making the switch.” I just figured this was an easier way to get you the information you needed. The eBook has no DRM attached to it, and sells for only five bucks. I can almost guarantee that you’ll pick up at least one tip that you didn’t already know about.

I live inside of both Windows and Mac OS X. Do you?

If you do get a copy, please post your review as either a comment here or video response – I’d love to hear what you think about its value to you, either as a new Mac user or as someone who communicates with new Mac users on a regular basis.

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How to Win the Secrets of Success

Dale Carnegie’s classic book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” was written more than seventy years ago. However, the information contained within the pages is still highly relevant in today’s world. It doesn’t matter how old you are, nor what career path you have chosen. The basic principles can help you improve your foundation.

Keep reading to find out how you can win a copy for yourself!

This book will help you to become a more effective speaker, master the workplace culture, develop your leadership style, and hone your customer service skills. The book has sold more than 15 mil­lion copies world­wide over the years. Billionaire Warren Buffet has stated many times that he was terrified to speak in public early in his life. He took the Dale Carnegie course, and was amazed at how much his life changed.

It seems as though our days fly by at about 300 miles per hour. We are busy, and don’t always have time to sit and read a book, no matter how good or important it might be. This is why Dale Carnegie Training has now released an iPhone app. The “Dale Carnegie Secrets of Suc­cess App” is designed to bring you as much of the original information as possible in a way that is quick and easy to consume.

There are more than 30 videos built in to the app, which illustrate the most effective ways to employ Dale Carnegie’s Human Relations Principles. You’ll find fundamental methods to help you reduce your stress, conquer worry, and be more effective in the workplace. Additionally, the app contains tips created to address issues ranging from team building to time management… and from coaching to conflict resolution.

To celebrate the launch of the app, Dale Carnegie Training is giving away 200 copies of the original book.

If you would like to win a copy, leave a follow-up comment on this post. Let me know how this book could enhance your life, both in the workplace and at home. I will select ten winners at random on Saturday, April 3rd, 2010. The contest is open to anyone, no matter where you live in the world.

Tips for Twitter


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I need your advice! I’m putting together an eBook full of Twitter tips. There will ultimately be 140 tips, each consisting of 140 characters or less. As of right now, I only have 89 solid tips that I can use. This is where you come in!

Send me your best Twitter tips. Make sure that they are under 140 characters. If I use your tip, you will receive credit in the eBook. You will also get a free copy when it is finished. The book is only selling for $1.40 when it is finished, so hopefully you’ll tell all of your friends. Everyone of us was new to Twitter – and social media in general – at some point. Wouldn’t it have been nice to have some sort of easy handbook to follow along with as we found our way in the murky depths? I know my experience might have been much better had I had some tips to get me started.

Believe me, it’s not as easy as you think it might be to come up with this many good tips. Coming up with the ones I already have was difficult. Both Imei and Kat contributed to this venture already, and are now as stumped as I am! They have both given me some excellent ideas, all of which I’ve incorporated into the eBook. How lucky am I to be surrounded by such fantastic and smart women?

When the eBook is ready, it will be available at go.tagjag.com/twittertips. Keep your eye on that link in the upcoming weeks!

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