This is Amber93’s submission for the HP Magic Giveaway. Feel free to leave comments for this article as you see fit – your feedback is certainly welcomed! If you’d like to submit your own how-to, what-is, or top-five list, you can send it to me. Views and opinions of this writer are not necessarily my own:
For the past five years, I’ve had a very unusual job. That of scheduling appointments for porn stars so that their fans can meet with them on a one-on-one encounter.
(1) Repeat to yourself, over and over and over again, the following phrase: Escorts do not sell sexual acts for money.
You might be chuckling to yourself and thinking, “Who is she trying to kid?” But no, the truth of it is that (at least if you’re in the USA) prostitution is illegal in most places. And THEY are the ones who sell certain acts for money where you cue up the “Bow-chicka-bow-bow” music. But escorts sell time for money. You know, kind of like how lawyers, therapists, and those kinds of people do? The rates are probably not very different either. This is an extremely important fact to remember when answering the phone to schedule appointments. And that is what leads us to…
(2) Anticipate some of the stupidest questions you never could have thought of yourself.
Let’s face it: what you’re doing is essentially the same as any other customer service job – or you might compare it to Tech Support, in a way. Only techies get people who can’t understand the basic concept of copy and paste. What you’re putting up with most of the time (in my case) is men who are smart in many circumstances, but the moment they are calling you, the blood isn’t flowing into the brain (it’s headed in the other direction, shall we say). These men must be reasonably intelligent to command the salaries they have to spend on this kind of entertainment, right? Well, sometimes you would never know it.
Among my favorites:
- “Will she do [insert fantasy explicit action here]?” This is one question that can NEVER be answered straight. Otherwise, you’re breaking rule #1. Send ’em to the review boards, that’s what they are THERE for. So, you don’t have to answer any uncomfortable questions about activities where you are supposed to remain ignorant.
- “Why do I have to give you my personal information? I want this to be discreet.” Although we understand that a lot of men who want to hire someone for companionship are married / engaged / otherwise trying to keep a low profile so no one knows what they are up to, don’t even bother trying to get around this. Why? Because it’s DANGEROUS for a woman to meet a strange man and not know who he really is. I mean, come on!
- “Can I get a freebie if I let her use me one of her movies?” Go ahead, laugh. I’ll wait. Okay, done? Right. I have honestly received this question a handful of times over the years. Not only does this guy think he’s going to hook up with a woman from adult movies, but he wants to be IN adult movies, and figures he’s doing HER a favor so she should be open to putting out in front of a camera with him (who has NO experience whatsoever in that kind of work) and putting up with him for FREE? Let me just burst the bubble for you right now, gentlemen. Working in adult movies is not just a lot of fun and games – it is actually HARD work, and you’re expected to PERFORM. At least when you hire a companion, what you’ve paid her to do is act worshipful and doting on you for that time. In front of the camera, all bets are off because it’s no longer about you. Sorry to squash your dream of being the next Ron Jeremy.
- “If all I want to do is talk to her or have her show up at my party can I pay less?” Nope, sorry. According to Rule #1, you’re paying for her time, not what happens during that time.
Anyway, many more stupid questions will come up, but as some are very explicit in nature, I figure this isn’t the best medium to post about them. I do however, sometimes post these under a NSFW filter under my blog at Livejournal.
(3) Be prepared. You will deal with LOTS of drama.
Thankfully, MOST of the time, you will not feel like you’re in some kind of reality series. But there will be days. Being an adult entertainer is a high-stress job. Guess who gets the backwash? Yep, the assistant. And if it isn’t drama from the entertainer who you work for, it will come from the fans / interested parties / spouses of these guys who weren’t careful enough. You will get odd calls at all hours where someone is flipping out trying to remember what time a flight was into the next city where she is touring. You will get calls from men acting like they will flat out DIE if they can’t talk to the person you work for RIGHT AWAY. Or, you’ll get the guys who book an appointment and then call EVERY DAY leading up to that appointment, not quite getting that you’re the only one answering the phone. Oh, and disgusting prank calls left on the voicemail. Occasionally, the wife who calls, very upset about what she found out her husband was doing, and since you were a party to this YOU get to bear her wrath. Nevermind that the guy never told you he was married and you didn’t ask because you’re not supposed to.
(4) Also be prepared to be treated like you are a Phone Sex Operator
Chances are, he called up the number he saw on the ad, thinking that it was a direct line to the woman who will be doing the actual meet and greet, not the assistant who does all the work involved in arranging said meet and greet. But it doesn’t matter – he’s already got his hand busy and any voice will do at this point. Lucky you. The best thing to do, I’ve found out, is get very direct. “Look, did you want to schedule an appointment?” — if he didn’t, he’ll just hang up on you. Or if he’s STILL trying to see if you’ll use your naughty bedroom words over the phone with him he’ll say “Yes, I do, I just need some questions answered first.” (Yeah, those would be the ones I didn’t list in #2). HANG UP. This will go nowhere good and you’re not getting paid for this kind of work.
(5) While we’re at it, be prepared to be asked all the time, “What about you? Are you available? What are your rates?”
Yeah, I know, I should have listed this under #2, but it really deserves a category on its own because it will be asked more than any other question. And it’s not really a stupid question emper se/em, because sometimes professional companions travel together or work all under one girl who is also a professional companion but does the bookings. So, instead, it’s best to just state very plainly that no, you only work for the lady he called about seeing, you take care of the business part, and she takes care of the fun part. Of course, this can very easily lead into the questions I mentioned in #2, when for some reason that’s not enough of an answer and the person on the phone thinks if he throws enough money at you or keeps asking, you’ll change your mind. I have had a few callers get so hostile on this particular subject that it led to me hanging up on them, realizing they were not at ALL someone I could schedule for ANYONE if they were that angry that one woman said “No” and so he saw it as some kind of personal rejection.
(6) Learn to be a master (or mistress) of damage control
Remember rule #3? Yeah, that leads to this. Flights are missed, schedules are changed at the drop of a hat, emails get sent to the wrong people, deposits are “not received”, oh – and if someone is having an exceptionally bad day, then you might just be the whipping post for it. And throughout all of this, you have to keep your head on your shoulders and notify any concerned parties if there are schedule changes or cancellations as a result. And put up with the fallout that could result when if someone really had their hopes up, only to be dashed because you are the bearer of bad news.
(7) Try to stay on top of whatever the latest technology is that you have to use in your work
This could be anything from knowing what the latest app is that the webmaster is using on the site with all the info (you know, where people SHOULD be reading instead of calling you and asking you all the questions and wasting your time?)… so you can walk people through using it – to keeping up with the best way to catalogue your contacts and your records of who you’ve booked in the past. It saves a lot of time and effort if you just keep up with it as you go along rather than having to backdate things every now and then (believe me on this one because I’m guilty of breaking this rule, A LOT.)
To wrap this up, I just want to state that the people I’ve worked for in the past 5 years have been wonderful. None of them are the stereotypical coked up, air-headed drama queen b*tches who you would think they might be. They’ve been some of the most beautiful, intelligent, funny, and down-to-earth women I’ve ever been blessed to know. Many of them care about their fans and go out of their way to make pubic appearances at trade shows and charity events so they can meet their fans. But they are also great businesswomen and have realized what their time is worth and just how to make a man feel special when he decides to spend the required funds to have that sort of time. I’ve really enjoyed this job so far and I’ve met a lot of wonderful people through it. It’s definitely been a different kind of learning experience!
I also realize that while this might not be your run-of-the-mill geeky sort of post on how to do something, I figured it might throw some clues to people should they ever consider seeking out a companion as to what the lowly assistant has to put up with. So don’t be “that guy” who gets himself in a hall of fame for posing a question that should go under rule #2. Also, I composed this to share a little humor about my work as well. Hopefully you found it entertaining and amusing.