dating – Chris Pirillo Geek Culture & Tech Expert: How Can I Help You Today? Mon, 11 Sep 2017 01:05:35 +0000 en-US hourly 1 dating – Chris Pirillo 32 32 Geek Culture & Tech Expert: How Can I Help You Today? dating – Chris Pirillo Geek Culture & Tech Expert: How Can I Help You Today? dating – Chris Pirillo 32776375 Online Dating Tips Mon, 14 Feb 2011 03:06:47 +0000 Continue reading Online Dating Tips ]]> A geek in our community asked this question: When is a Good Time to Start Dating? While I don’t know if there’s ever a “right” or “wrong” time, I thought I’d at least share a few random tips related to online dating that I had once shared with a private Facebook group:

Online Dating Profile Tips

  • Are you dating to find a mate or a casual fling? Be clear in communicating your intentions up front (especially in profiles). And, in some cases, you could be broadcasting the wrong message inadvertently! Know why you’re choosing to find a date. I must thank the genius of Alison Armstrong for this nugget.
  • Don’t be afraid to tell the world what you know you cannot handle. Trust me, you’d only be turning off people you wouldn’t want to be with in the first place. This is what is so entirely counter-intiutive about dating – you put your best foot forward instead of your real foot. Don’t cause someone to fall in love with an illusion of you only to be… disillusioned, inevitably.
  • Even though it’s the truth, I’d recommend against sharing your income level in any capacity. Throwing numbers out there could only serve to attract someone who… is looking for your financial security. That would be an automatic #FAIL on most counts.
  • Be wary of “beautiful people” who aren’t terribly selective in who they’re seeking. Either it’s spam or it’s someone who has never bothered to think about what they want. If someone doesn’t know what makes them happy, they’ll fail in every single relationship (or have a rocky go of it, at least).
  • If you’re struggling with writing some kind of profile for an online dating site, think of your own top 10 quirks. For example, I might say: “When I was a kid, I couldn’t eat my bag of MnMs before they were first separated into color piles.” Yes, it’s true for me – but that also provides a potential date a starting point for a conversation / email. Posting trite sentiments like “I’m looking for an honest guy with a good sense of humor” is impossible to address.

Online Dating Photo Tips

  • When we see you’re holding the camera high above your head and/or stretching your neck out, it’s usually obvious you’re trying to obscure what you perceive to be a weight issue for yourself.
  • When we see you’re half-naked, you’re likely either vain or image-conscious. If you’re near a body of water, it’s passable – but also stands to be a potential turn-off to someone who would like to know you for your mind (with your body in tow). Again, if you’re looking for a hook-up, this would be a prime indicator that you’re down for play.
  • When we see you sipping a glass of wine, you appear sophisticated. When you’re chugging a can o’ beer, you just look like the town drunk. Which image of yourself would you rather portray?
  • When we see you in nothing but group shots, we see that it’s impossible for you to be alone. Or, that we have to pass a series of “friend tests” to get closer to you. Moreover, you also run the risk of us perusing your friends’ faces and wondering if they’re single, too. Just sayin’.
  • When we see nothing but distant, darker photos, we get the feeling that you’re hiding something. Don’t. You wouldn’t want to meet someone in person from 50 feet away, would you?
  • When we see you’ve taken a photo of yourself in the bathroom mirror, we think… ewwwwww! Assumedly, next time, you can get a friend to take your picture for you.
  • When we see photos in your profile that illustrate scenery or landmarks, we wonder why you’re not sanding in them? They may have been places you’ve visited, places you’d like to visit, or… who knows.
  • When we see you flashing the same facial expresion in each image you’ve uploaded, we wonder if you’re real. Do you always smile like that? Are you always so serious?

Do you have any online dating tips to share with the community? Jump right in!

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50 Divorce Tips for Women Mon, 15 Nov 2010 02:57:37 +0000 Continue reading 50 Divorce Tips for Women ]]> Okay, so someone doesn’t want to be with you anymore – or you don’t want to be with him. There are 6.7 billion other people on this planet for you to get to know. When it comes to finding a loving, compatible relationship, it really isn’t over until… well, it’s never really over.

The idea for this article actually came about after I recognized that people were searching Google for more information on my own divorce(s). For that, I’ve helped assemble divorce tips for men, too.

How can a woman survive divorce? It’s not easy. Take heart in knowing you’re not alone. These days, women have many resources through books, support networks, Internet resources, and webinars. There even might be an app for that soon, but for the time being, the only divorce app for iPhone was created by a lawyer to help people contemplating divorce to consider the hidden costs of divorce.

I’ve co-authored this set of tips with my friend Imei Hsu (RN, MAC, LMHC). The list is far from complete, but it’s based on our collective experience – me as a divorcĂ©, and she as a relationship counselor and divorcĂ©e. She’s not MY therapist, of course – but if you’d like help with your own relationship issues, she takes clients from all around the country in a virtual capacity via Seattle Counseling. She’s even available to help you via email, Skype, or FaceTime.

If you have something constructive to add to the following list of suggestions and tips, feel free to post your feedback in the comments section below. This is NOT a place for you to vent about how “evil” men are – or how you were wronged in your divorce, okay?

  1. Make a commitment to take better care of yourself: mind, body, and soul. You are going to need everything you have to close the relationship. When it comes to the body, it’s “garbage in, garbage out.” Don’t use food to console yourself. Binge eating has been known to happen when a woman feels unhappy; so does temporary anorexia, or what Imei calls “the Separation Diet”. Consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: at the bottom level, you should be meeting your needs for food, shelter, rest, and safety.

    Most women don’t have problems with maintaining themselves, but you might need to adjust how much time, energy, and expense you place on vanity. Your finances will likely change dramatically. Does it really make sense to spend $80 – $120 on a haircut? $25 on a bottle of hair product? You’re going to wash it down the drain, literally. Consider better investments of your money without depriving yourself of needed services. Do not skimp on health insurance.

  2. Don’t engage in unnecessary emotional banter with your soon-to-be ex-partner (or anybody connected to him in some capacity for that matter). These fights are almost never worth having on the way out the door of the relationship. Be the bigger person in the room: end the fight, attempt to set up a more productive time to discuss any necessary questions or plans, and leave the room, if necessary or possible.

    This isn’t a gender-specific tip. Whoever catches the emotional banter first should be the one to call a time-out. If you are good at this, use it to your advantage, and save both of you more heartache.

    Ladies, we’re known for using far more words (approximately ten times more) than men do in a typical conversation. If you know your own propensity to drag out a fight, get a stop watch out, or use a timer. If a discussion goes on longer than twenty minutes, take a break. Anything you force beyond what most men can handle in one sitting is usually not productive. Save your catharsis for a therapist or a good friend.

  3. Think before you put anything in writing: email, tweet, letter, etc. Whatever you post online could end up there forever. In the heat of the moment, it might seem funny to take revenge and say some tactless words, post funny pictures of your partner, or shame your partner by disclosing sacred stories shared between the two of you.

    Women have a tendency to do more sharing face-to-face with a friend or family member. Take care what you share. Like musical notes, once we sound off, it’s really hard to take it back. Do you really want to tell your friend that your man has a penis the size of a tube of lipstick? Or that it is over between you two, when you may actually end up reconciling? Don’t even go there if you find nasty public statements from your partner about you. Be the bigger person: don’t retaliate, but kindly ask him to stop.

  4. Don’t use your partner as a therapist for your emotions. Nagging him for answers as to why the marriage isn’t working – even if you initiated a separation – will likely press his back to the wall. Instead, ask friends to listen empathetically (without much feedback) if you need to vent. Pets make great listeners!

    Do not use your partner as a dumping ground for your guilt, anger, or remorse. If you have apologies to make for your behavior, let your partner know, and let your partner choose a time to hear this from you. Process your guilt and anger with someone else (but exercise discretion). Similarly, cut the man off at the pass if he tries to use you as his therapist, especially if you have been his best friend and confidante. Re-route him to a licensed therapist or a trusted friend.

  5. Call your closest friends and family and ask for their support without taking sides or placing judgment on either you or your partner. Ask them to be there for you when either you or your partner moves out, to talk with your children (if there are any), and watch your pets while on travel or vacations. Most people feel helpless as to how they can be a part of your life when you are in transition or crisis. Make a list of some easy tasks or involvement that lets your closest confidants know how much you need them and want them to be a part of your life – on either side of the divorce.

    If you will be maintaining a house on your own, make a list of repairs, get your handyman’s number (or ask your friends for a recommendation), and make sure you have a decent set of power tools available. Don’t like tools? Ladies, they even come in sets with pink handles! It’s cool to have tools! There is nothing like fixing it yourself to feel a sense of accomplishment and empowerment.

    If you can’t fix it yourself, or you don’t have the money to hire someone, learn about bartering in your area.

  6. Do your best to get adequate sleep, food, and exercise on a regular basis. Schedule it into your calendar like you would meetings for work or for your kids’ schedules. Food and exercise help elevate your mood, as well as give you energy to stay in the game [Music is also an instant mood elevator, as it is pure emotion. Design some playlists of music that makes you feel upbeat and positive – and play it when you wake up in the morning.]

    Don’t have time or money to go to the gym? Lack of “me time” is a common complaint for women. If you can’t go to the gym, let the “gym” come to you. Use that Wii Fit he made you buy him last Christmas, borrow some exercise DVD’s, dance around your house while blasting your favorite upbeat music, and do Yoga while the kids and pets are taking naps. Walk to the nearest grocery store a couple of times a week, if possible, and combine errands with vigorous walking whenever you can. You don’t need to think of exercise as a means of controlling your weight. Exercise should function as a way to help keep you healthy and strengthen your immune system.

  7. Don’t drink, drug, or party your way through your issues. You need a clear head and steady emotions to handle the many difficult choices and emotions ahead. If you notice you’ve been hitting the bottle often, try other mood-elevating activities, such as exercise, music, rest, and spending time with good friends in an enjoyable activity.

    That’s not to say it’s not fun to dull the senses every so often, but if it gets to the point that the ONLY way you can rest is by drinking or drugging yourself there, it’s time to rethink your strategy.

    This is not a time for you to test-drive your new found freedom and win yourself a spot on the next “Girls Gone Wild” video. Partying + heavy drinking/drugging + men = trouble for you. Save yourself the heartache of waking up in a scummy hotel by the airport with stranger and a couple of used condoms on the floor.

  8. If you have difficulty sleeping or eating because of depression or anxiety, seek medical attention from an MD or a therapist. Imei suggests you shouldn’t let this go longer than three weeks; immediately, if you have thoughts of harming yourself or others. If you still can’t sleep well past three weeks, it’s time to help your body get back into a rhythm.

    The Web is a great resource to find local health practitioners who treat Adjustment Disorder related to stress and transitions such as a divorce. If you have health insurance from your employer, you’re paying for these benefits, anyway (might as well use them). If your partner removes your health insurance because you are no longer his dependent (such as in legal separation), you will need to either negotiate with him for an extension of health care benefits through a state program, private insurance, or find benefits you can afford.

    This kind of problem likely isn’t going to take care of itself. Crying day after day at home or at your desk, for example, may be a sign that you need more help than time alone can heal.

  9. Notify family and hold age-appropriate conversations with your children as soon as you have both made a decision to end the relationship. Have a plan in place, and be open to feedback and negotiation, on how to best care for your children. You’d hate to discover this kind of information about one of your family members from someone who wasn’t a part of the family, wouldn’t you?
  10. Seek a therapist or life coach to help process issues related to the ending of a relationship, especially if you feel you are repeating familiar patterns that lead you to feel you are “stuck”. This person should not be connected to you or her in any other capacity. Don’t expect them to pass judgment in your favor, either – that’s potentially the court’s responsibility. A fresh perspective is seldom a poor one.

    If there is physical, emotional, or verbal abuse in your dynamic with your partner, it is a priority to protect yourself and your children. If you cannot report abuse yourself, go to a trusted friend or authority figure and share only any facts about abuse in the relationship. It is important that you be very clear about facts. Unfortunately, emotions can cloud judgment, so document carefully and concisely.

    In some cases, you may find that you are the one being accused of abuse. It is very important to stick to any available facts, as emotions can often cloud one’s judgment. While physical abuse is rarely reported among men, there are more and more cases emerging where uncontrolled rage drove women to physically lash out at their spouse or children. The law does not care if you are a woman. You can go to jail for physical abuse or destruction of property.

  11. There is a reason why people warn you about the “rebound” relationship. Consider yourself vulnerable, and don’t be too eager to jump into another serious relationship.

    Rule of thumb: one month of singleness for every year of marriage. If you have been married for many years, tell yourself to not be in any hurry to find another partner (for any kind of serious relationship – including another marriage). Slow down, take your time, and give an appropriate rest to the relationship you are ending.

    Women who divorce in later life tend to fare better than their partners. By that time, you have your own money, and the kids are older or may have already left the nest. Essentially, you are pretty much done taking care of anyone else, let alone yet another man who never learned how to do his own laundry. It is not uncommon for older female divorcees to gather, travel together, party, attend each other’s children’s weddings and baby showers, and leave the men behind. For mature women, an unfettered life may be just the ticket to happiness.

  12. Set rules for communication with your soon-to-be-ex-partner, including when to end discussions that become heated. Even if you think you’re headed for an amicable split, you should expect the unexpected.

    It’s likely that communication issues are what tore the two of you apart – you should expect they’ll worsen while in the process of deciding how to end your partnership.

    If need be, call in an arbiter – a neutral party. Family or friends don’t usually count (the exception: cultures that use an older family member to solve domestic disputes).

  13. Don’t binge on anything: spending money, sex, drinking, drugs, TV, entertainment, sleep. Most of these will simply serve to dissociate you from what you need to attend to. If an activity is overtaking your responsibilities, you’re probably bingeing.

    You’ve heard the joke: when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. Before you start hearing cash registers in your head, you should take careful inventory of your expenses related to the divorce: your share of taxes, house and car payments, house repairs, health insurance, utilities, food and incidentals. If you will be receiving maintenance, it may still not be enough to cover your expenses, let alone a reckless trip to the mall. If you have children, you’ll also have additional expenses of keeping up two households.

    Imei’s tip to shopaholics: if you tend to use your credit cards without thinking, write the numbers down in a safe place (but without the 3 digit code on the back), set up auto-payments for DOLPing (date of last payment) the largest to the smallest, and put them in water inside of a freezer bag. Place the bag in the freezer and forget about them. If you are tempted to use them, guess what? You will minimally need to let them defrost before you can take them to a store or use them online. Oh yeah, and remove all your payment information from online stores you frequented. If you’re still having problems with spending and not paying off balances, subscribe to a financial blog for women such as “The Daily Worth”, or talk to a financial counselor.

    Shopping like there’s no tomorrow is a form of sabotage. When you assume payments of your expenses, you are simply putting more pressure on yourself to cough up money you do not have.

  14. If you ever thought that meditation and yoga might be useful, this would be a good time to investigate. More than 18.3 million people in the U.S. say they practice yoga on a regular basis. It’s likely being offered in your gym or an area studio; if you can’t afford it, get a recommended DVD or try a free podcast. Yoga clears the way for mediation to occur. You’ll