Tag Archives: csr

How to Survive Being an Assistant to a Porn Star

Geek!This is Amber93’s submission for the HP Magic Giveaway. Feel free to leave comments for this article as you see fit – your feedback is certainly welcomed! If you’d like to submit your own how-to, what-is, or top-five list, you can send it to me. Views and opinions of this writer are not necessarily my own:

For the past five years, I’ve had a very unusual job. That of scheduling appointments for porn stars so that their fans can meet with them on a one-on-one encounter.

(1) Repeat to yourself, over and over and over again, the following phrase: Escorts do not sell sexual acts for money.

You might be chuckling to yourself and thinking, “Who is she trying to kid?” But no, the truth of it is that (at least if you’re in the USA) prostitution is illegal in most places. And THEY are the ones who sell certain acts for money where you cue up the “Bow-chicka-bow-bow” music. But escorts sell time for money. You know, kind of like how lawyers, therapists, and those kinds of people do? The rates are probably not very different either. This is an extremely important fact to remember when answering the phone to schedule appointments. And that is what leads us to…

(2) Anticipate some of the stupidest questions you never could have thought of yourself.

Let’s face it: what you’re doing is essentially the same as any other customer service job – or you might compare it to Tech Support, in a way. Only techies get people who can’t understand the basic concept of copy and paste. What you’re putting up with most of the time (in my case) is men who are smart in many circumstances, but the moment they are calling you, the blood isn’t flowing into the brain (it’s headed in the other direction, shall we say). These men must be reasonably intelligent to command the salaries they have to spend on this kind of entertainment, right? Well, sometimes you would never know it.

Among my favorites:

  • “Will she do [insert fantasy explicit action here]?” This is one question that can NEVER be answered straight. Otherwise, you’re breaking rule #1. Send ’em to the review boards, that’s what they are THERE for. So, you don’t have to answer any uncomfortable questions about activities where you are supposed to remain ignorant.
  • “Why do I have to give you my personal information? I want this to be discreet.” Although we understand that a lot of men who want to hire someone for companionship are married / engaged / otherwise trying to keep a low profile so no one knows what they are up to, don’t even bother trying to get around this. Why? Because it’s DANGEROUS for a woman to meet a strange man and not know who he really is. I mean, come on!
  • “Can I get a freebie if I let her use me one of her movies?” Go ahead, laugh. I’ll wait. Okay, done? Right. I have honestly received this question a handful of times over the years. Not only does this guy think he’s going to hook up with a woman from adult movies, but he wants to be IN adult movies, and figures he’s doing HER a favor so she should be open to putting out in front of a camera with him (who has NO experience whatsoever in that kind of work) and putting up with him for FREE? Let me just burst the bubble for you right now, gentlemen. Working in adult movies is not just a lot of fun and games – it is actually HARD work, and you’re expected to PERFORM. At least when you hire a companion, what you’ve paid her to do is act worshipful and doting on you for that time. In front of the camera, all bets are off because it’s no longer about you. Sorry to squash your dream of being the next Ron Jeremy.
  • “If all I want to do is talk to her or have her show up at my party can I pay less?” Nope, sorry. According to Rule #1, you’re paying for her time, not what happens during that time.

Anyway, many more stupid questions will come up, but as some are very explicit in nature, I figure this isn’t the best medium to post about them. I do however, sometimes post these under a NSFW filter under my blog at Livejournal.

(3) Be prepared. You will deal with LOTS of drama.

Thankfully, MOST of the time, you will not feel like you’re in some kind of reality series. But there will be days. Being an adult entertainer is a high-stress job. Guess who gets the backwash? Yep, the assistant. And if it isn’t drama from the entertainer who you work for, it will come from the fans / interested parties / spouses of these guys who weren’t careful enough. You will get odd calls at all hours where someone is flipping out trying to remember what time a flight was into the next city where she is touring. You will get calls from men acting like they will flat out DIE if they can’t talk to the person you work for RIGHT AWAY. Or, you’ll get the guys who book an appointment and then call EVERY DAY leading up to that appointment, not quite getting that you’re the only one answering the phone. Oh, and disgusting prank calls left on the voicemail. Occasionally, the wife who calls, very upset about what she found out her husband was doing, and since you were a party to this YOU get to bear her wrath. Nevermind that the guy never told you he was married and you didn’t ask because you’re not supposed to.

(4) Also be prepared to be treated like you are a Phone Sex Operator

Chances are, he called up the number he saw on the ad, thinking that it was a direct line to the woman who will be doing the actual meet and greet, not the assistant who does all the work involved in arranging said meet and greet. But it doesn’t matter – he’s already got his hand busy and any voice will do at this point. Lucky you. The best thing to do, I’ve found out, is get very direct. “Look, did you want to schedule an appointment?” — if he didn’t, he’ll just hang up on you. Or if he’s STILL trying to see if you’ll use your naughty bedroom words over the phone with him he’ll say “Yes, I do, I just need some questions answered first.” (Yeah, those would be the ones I didn’t list in #2). HANG UP. This will go nowhere good and you’re not getting paid for this kind of work.

(5) While we’re at it, be prepared to be asked all the time, “What about you? Are you available? What are your rates?”

Yeah, I know, I should have listed this under #2, but it really deserves a category on its own because it will be asked more than any other question. And it’s not really a stupid question emper se/em, because sometimes professional companions travel together or work all under one girl who is also a professional companion but does the bookings. So, instead, it’s best to just state very plainly that no, you only work for the lady he called about seeing, you take care of the business part, and she takes care of the fun part. Of course, this can very easily lead into the questions I mentioned in #2, when for some reason that’s not enough of an answer and the person on the phone thinks if he throws enough money at you or keeps asking, you’ll change your mind. I have had a few callers get so hostile on this particular subject that it led to me hanging up on them, realizing they were not at ALL someone I could schedule for ANYONE if they were that angry that one woman said “No” and so he saw it as some kind of personal rejection.

(6) Learn to be a master (or mistress) of damage control

Remember rule #3? Yeah, that leads to this. Flights are missed, schedules are changed at the drop of a hat, emails get sent to the wrong people, deposits are “not received”, oh – and if someone is having an exceptionally bad day, then you might just be the whipping post for it. And throughout all of this, you have to keep your head on your shoulders and notify any concerned parties if there are schedule changes or cancellations as a result. And put up with the fallout that could result when if someone really had their hopes up, only to be dashed because you are the bearer of bad news.

(7) Try to stay on top of whatever the latest technology is that you have to use in your work

This could be anything from knowing what the latest app is that the webmaster is using on the site with all the info (you know, where people SHOULD be reading instead of calling you and asking you all the questions and wasting your time?)… so you can walk people through using it – to keeping up with the best way to catalogue your contacts and your records of who you’ve booked in the past. It saves a lot of time and effort if you just keep up with it as you go along rather than having to backdate things every now and then (believe me on this one because I’m guilty of breaking this rule, A LOT.)

To wrap this up, I just want to state that the people I’ve worked for in the past 5 years have been wonderful. None of them are the stereotypical coked up, air-headed drama queen b*tches who you would think they might be. They’ve been some of the most beautiful, intelligent, funny, and down-to-earth women I’ve ever been blessed to know. Many of them care about their fans and go out of their way to make pubic appearances at trade shows and charity events so they can meet their fans. But they are also great businesswomen and have realized what their time is worth and just how to make a man feel special when he decides to spend the required funds to have that sort of time. I’ve really enjoyed this job so far and I’ve met a lot of wonderful people through it. It’s definitely been a different kind of learning experience!

I also realize that while this might not be your run-of-the-mill geeky sort of post on how to do something, I figured it might throw some clues to people should they ever consider seeking out a companion as to what the lowly assistant has to put up with. So don’t be “that guy” who gets himself in a hall of fame for posing a question that should go under rule #2. Also, I composed this to share a little humor about my work as well. Hopefully you found it entertaining and amusing.

How to Speak with a CSR / Customer Service Representative

Geek!This is Kate Rawlins’s submission for the HP Magic Giveaway. Feel free to leave comments for this article as you see fit – your feedback is certainly welcomed! If you’d like to submit your own how-to, what-is, or top-five list, you can send it to me. Views and opinions of this writer are not necessarily my own:

I think I’ve grown wiser as I’ve grown older. Not that I’m old, because we all know that 60 is the new 40! But, as a Baby Boomer, I’d like to pass along some pearls of wisdom I’ve learned along the way. I’ll try not to lecture or rant but you’ll notice I’m not without fault, so please bear with me.

We’re not all perfect (you’ve heard that before), but tolerating life’s annoyances is one of those lessons you should learn. You can skip over this pearl – but you may not be able to skip over the CSR person you’re speaking with when trying to straighten out an issue with a bill, a dispute with the cable service, or anything having to do with a utility company.

Yelling, speaking faster, speaking over the person, cursing, or threatening may help, but both you and the CSR will undoubtedly have high-blood-pressure-headaches at the end of the conversation.

My advice? When, after you’ve chosen what language you’ll be speaking, you’ve punched in all the numbers asked of you, and you’ve waited for 27 minutes or they’ve responded so quickly you’re unprepared and still gathering up the paperwork you need, you finally do reach a human, do not speak first, wait – wait until the rep acknowledges you. Jumping down the rep’s throat will not help. You should have been taking advance of the wait time by doing your taxes – duh.

Do not utter a word to the CSR until they ask you for information.

Right here, right now, you’re allowing them to bring up the right account, giving them a breather so they can collect themselves from the previous obnoxious caller, providing them with the time they need to focus on your call and on your account – which is what you want, after all.

After a few more formalities, the rep will finally ask, “How may I help you?” This is what you’ve been waiting for: your opportunity to “bear with them.” Immediately ask the rep what they need to know from you about your issue, wait for their response, and then, this is the hardest part of all:

Continue to allow them to run the show.

Yeah, I know it’s giving up control when you’re the one with the problem, but keep in mind, that the rep is probably sitting in a boiler room with a million other reps, staring at a blank template on a computer screen, and all the rep is doing is asking the questions to get answers to fill in those blanks. While at the same time, wondering why you can’t give just them the info they need, in the precise and prompt manner they’re requesting it, so they can process the form, sort out the problem, and then move along to the next caller who has been on hold for that 5 to 9 minutes of wait time.

Now, if none of this works to your satisfaction, just ask to speak to a supervisor and start the entire process over again, and do not even think of contacting me. Fill in the blanks correctly and you’ll pass Go. Incorrectly and – take it from an East Coaster – you’ll be put on hold quicker than a New York minute.

Learn to bear it – and I never used the word GRIN!