Someone Decked My Halls

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In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it “Christmas” and went to church; the Jews called it “Hanukkah” and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say “Merry Christmas!” or “Happy Hanukkah!” or (to the atheists) “Look out for the wall!” — Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor’s Guide (via Wikiquote)

Decking the halls is one thing. Decking oneself is quite another. But having your halls decked is truly when the holiday spirit shows itself.

What does it mean to “deck the halls?” This was a subject that caused great debate among scholars in ancient times. Porgas of Alexandria believed that dressing up one’s indoor corridors with vegetation that, for most of the rest of the year, belonged on the outside best signified the commencement of a special occasion (also: bugs).

Helios Johnson of Carthage told Porgas to go stuff his theories in a sack, mister, because it was self-evident that “decking the halls” was a loose (and inaccurate) translation of the Coptic term for making sure that your undergarments were appropriately clean in case of chariot collision and the resultant trip to the limb setter.

Me? Heck, I don’t know. I just wrap a bunch of Christmas tree lights around my torso and call it a day. Look! Shiny!