Paint All the Things!

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Take it from someone who knows: Never fall asleep around a mischievous woman. You can never be certain what sorts of shenanigans she’s going to pull. When I think back upon it, it all started out innocently enough. But there was something not quite right, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe it was the carefree smile and the deep, doe eyes that lulled me into a false sense of security.

“You can trust me,” she said.

“How do I know that?” I asked with more than a hint of skepticism.

“I am Batman,” she said.

Seemed reasonable enough. But then things got weird. People kept asking me if she was Asian, and she’s totally not. But she did make a reasonable argument toward the possibility.

“I love Asian food,” she said.

“MmmHmm?” I prodded.

“And if you are what you eat, then maybe I am Asian?”

I pondered this for a moment, and replied: “But if you’re Batman, does that mean you eat bats? Or men?”

“I did get quite a few stuffed animals on Valentine’s Day from secret admirers in middle school. Does that count?” she asked.

“Were the stuffed animals bats? Were the boys men?” I paused to consider other possibilities. “Were they Boyz II Men?”

“Is that an early ’90s reference? If so, I’m sure that I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

I nodded.

Much of the evening proceeded thusly. She asked if I could do any impressions, so I gave her my best Dr. Phil.

“And I’m not a doctor or anything, but when you take the chicken out of the hen house, you know the mongoose is gonna come crawlin’ for jellybeans! When we come back, we’re gonna see what we can do to screw up more people’s lives!”

We had a jolly good chuckle about it, but I could feel the weight of the day pulling me closer to the earth. I needed a nap if I were to keep up with “Batman’s” youthful energy. Just a refresher — a recharge, if you will.

When I awoke… oh, the horror! The horror! In the blackness of sweet, dreamless slumber, the wench had taken my hand and…

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Paint All the Things!