Dear You,

Your rude, insensitive, and/or pompous e-mail message has triggered this pseudo autoresponder. You must be under the assumption that:

(a) You're the only other person on the planet.
(b) You're the only person on the planet who e-mails me.
(c) I have all the time in the world to pay attention to you.
(d) I have no life outside of Outlook 2000.
(e) I have no other function in life than to answer your questions.
(f) I'm the only person on the planet who can answer your questions.
(g) Search engines don't work.
(h) I type one thousand words per minute.
(i) I don't have one thousand other people who demand my attention.
(j) I get paid to take care of you in my “off” hours.
(k) I don't sleep.

If you haven't realized it by now: I'm human, just like you. Unfortunately, I can't personalize every message that hits my Inbox. If this upsets you to the point where you feel like berating me once more, I'll never look at anything from you again. I'm a nice guy, but I don't appreciate getting scolded for doing something that I didn't even have to do in the first place.

Sincerely,

Chris Pirillo