I Freeze My Nutcrackers Off

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“GWAAAA YA YA YA YAHHHHHHH!” — Zuni Fetish Doll, Trilogy of Terror, 1975 (per retroCRUSH)

Friends don’t let friends stand out in the cold when there’s a warm, cozy room with hot cocoa and, perhaps, the dulcet crooning of Perry Como coming from the hand-me-down Victrola just on the other side of a bolt-locked door.

But then there are tiny, bearded nutcrackers who speak like demons and wouldn’t be too out of place next to the Zuni Fetish Doll from ABC’s Trilogy of Terror (starring Karen Black) back in the mid-’70s. I don’t mean to sound heartless, but I don’t believe that friendship between us is in the cards.

Would you open the door? Should you open the door? Could you open the door? Maybe you think he’s adorable, but the very name “nutcracker” should probably serve as a bludgeon-blunt warning to the wise.