How to Survive Being an Assistant to a Porn Star

Geek!This is Amber93’s submission for the HP Magic Giveaway. Feel free to leave comments for this article as you see fit – your feedback is certainly welcomed! If you’d like to submit your own how-to, what-is, or top-five list, you can send it to me. Views and opinions of this writer are not necessarily my own:

For the past five years, I’ve had a very unusual job. That of scheduling appointments for porn stars so that their fans can meet with them on a one-on-one encounter.

(1) Repeat to yourself, over and over and over again, the following phrase: Escorts do not sell sexual acts for money.

You might be chuckling to yourself and thinking, “Who is she trying to kid?” But no, the truth of it is that (at least if you’re in the USA) prostitution is illegal in most places. And THEY are the ones who sell certain acts for money where you cue up the “Bow-chicka-bow-bow” music. But escorts sell time for money. You know, kind of like how lawyers, therapists, and those kinds of people do? The rates are probably not very different either. This is an extremely important fact to remember when answering the phone to schedule appointments. And that is what leads us to…

(2) Anticipate some of the stupidest questions you never could have thought of yourself.

Let’s face it: what you’re doing is essentially the same as any other customer service job – or you might compare it to Tech Support, in a way. Only techies get people who can’t understand the basic concept of copy and paste. What you’re putting up with most of the time (in my case) is men who are smart in many circumstances, but the moment they are calling you, the blood isn’t flowing into the brain (it’s headed in the other direction, shall we say). These men must be reasonably intelligent to command the salaries they have to spend on this kind of entertainment, right? Well, sometimes you would never know it.

Among my favorites:

  • “Will she do [insert fantasy explicit action here]?” This is one question that can NEVER be answered straight. Otherwise, you’re breaking rule #1. Send ’em to the review boards, that’s what they are THERE for. So, you don’t have to answer any uncomfortable questions about activities where you are supposed to remain ignorant.
  • “Why do I have to give you my personal information? I want this to be discreet.” Although we understand that a lot of men who want to hire someone for companionship are married / engaged / otherwise trying to keep a low profile so no one knows what they are up to, don’t even bother trying to get around this. Why? Because it’s DANGEROUS for a woman to meet a strange man and not know who he really is. I mean, come on!
  • “Can I get a freebie if I let her use me one of her movies?” Go ahead, laugh. I’ll wait. Okay, done? Right. I have honestly received this question a handful of times over the years. Not only does this guy think he’s going to hook up with a woman from adult movies, but he wants to be IN adult movies, and figures he’s doing HER a favor so she should be open to putting out in front of a camera with him (who has NO experience whatsoever in that kind of work) and putting up with him for FREE? Let me just burst the bubble for you right now, gentlemen. Working in adult movies is not just a lot of fun and games – it is actually HARD work, and you’re expected to PERFORM. At least when you hire a companion, what you’ve paid her to do is act worshipful and doting on you for that time. In front of the camera, all bets are off because it’s no longer about you. Sorry to squash your dream of being the next Ron Jeremy.
  • “If all I want to do is talk to her or have her show up at my party can I pay less?” Nope, sorry. According to Rule #1, you’re paying for her time, not what happens during that time.

Anyway, many more stupid questions will come up, but as some are very explicit in nature, I figure this isn’t the best medium to post about them. I do however, sometimes post these under a NSFW filter under my blog at Livejournal.

(3) Be prepared. You will deal with LOTS of drama.

Thankfully, MOST of the time, you will not feel like you’re in some kind of reality series. But there will be days. Being an adult entertainer is a high-stress job. Guess who gets the backwash? Yep, the assistant. And if it isn’t drama from the entertainer who you work for, it will come from the fans / interested parties / spouses of these guys who weren’t careful enough. You will get odd calls at all hours where someone is flipping out trying to remember what time a flight was into the next city where she is touring. You will get calls from men acting like they will flat out DIE if they can’t talk to the person you work for RIGHT AWAY. Or, you’ll get the guys who book an appointment and then call EVERY DAY leading up to that appointment, not quite getting that you’re the only one answering the phone. Oh, and disgusting prank calls left on the voicemail. Occasionally, the wife who calls, very upset about what she found out her husband was doing, and since you were a party to this YOU get to bear her wrath. Nevermind that the guy never told you he was married and you didn’t ask because you’re not supposed to.

(4) Also be prepared to be treated like you are a Phone Sex Operator

Chances are, he called up the number he saw on the ad, thinking that it was a direct line to the woman who will be doing the actual meet and greet, not the assistant who does all the work involved in arranging said meet and greet. But it doesn’t matter – he’s already got his hand busy and any voice will do at this point. Lucky you. The best thing to do, I’ve found out, is get very direct. “Look, did you want to schedule an appointment?” — if he didn’t, he’ll just hang up on you. Or if he’s STILL trying to see if you’ll use your naughty bedroom words over the phone with him he’ll say “Yes, I do, I just need some questions answered first.” (Yeah, those would be the ones I didn’t list in #2). HANG UP. This will go nowhere good and you’re not getting paid for this kind of work.

(5) While we’re at it, be prepared to be asked all the time, “What about you? Are you available? What are your rates?”

Yeah, I know, I should have listed this under #2, but it really deserves a category on its own because it will be asked more than any other question. And it’s not really a stupid question emper se/em, because sometimes professional companions travel together or work all under one girl who is also a professional companion but does the bookings. So, instead, it’s best to just state very plainly that no, you only work for the lady he called about seeing, you take care of the business part, and she takes care of the fun part. Of course, this can very easily lead into the questions I mentioned in #2, when for some reason that’s not enough of an answer and the person on the phone thinks if he throws enough money at you or keeps asking, you’ll change your mind. I have had a few callers get so hostile on this particular subject that it led to me hanging up on them, realizing they were not at ALL someone I could schedule for ANYONE if they were that angry that one woman said “No” and so he saw it as some kind of personal rejection.

(6) Learn to be a master (or mistress) of damage control

Remember rule #3? Yeah, that leads to this. Flights are missed, schedules are changed at the drop of a hat, emails get sent to the wrong people, deposits are “not received”, oh – and if someone is having an exceptionally bad day, then you might just be the whipping post for it. And throughout all of this, you have to keep your head on your shoulders and notify any concerned parties if there are schedule changes or cancellations as a result. And put up with the fallout that could result when if someone really had their hopes up, only to be dashed because you are the bearer of bad news.

(7) Try to stay on top of whatever the latest technology is that you have to use in your work

This could be anything from knowing what the latest app is that the webmaster is using on the site with all the info (you know, where people SHOULD be reading instead of calling you and asking you all the questions and wasting your time?)… so you can walk people through using it – to keeping up with the best way to catalogue your contacts and your records of who you’ve booked in the past. It saves a lot of time and effort if you just keep up with it as you go along rather than having to backdate things every now and then (believe me on this one because I’m guilty of breaking this rule, A LOT.)

To wrap this up, I just want to state that the people I’ve worked for in the past 5 years have been wonderful. None of them are the stereotypical coked up, air-headed drama queen b*tches who you would think they might be. They’ve been some of the most beautiful, intelligent, funny, and down-to-earth women I’ve ever been blessed to know. Many of them care about their fans and go out of their way to make pubic appearances at trade shows and charity events so they can meet their fans. But they are also great businesswomen and have realized what their time is worth and just how to make a man feel special when he decides to spend the required funds to have that sort of time. I’ve really enjoyed this job so far and I’ve met a lot of wonderful people through it. It’s definitely been a different kind of learning experience!

I also realize that while this might not be your run-of-the-mill geeky sort of post on how to do something, I figured it might throw some clues to people should they ever consider seeking out a companion as to what the lowly assistant has to put up with. So don’t be “that guy” who gets himself in a hall of fame for posing a question that should go under rule #2. Also, I composed this to share a little humor about my work as well. Hopefully you found it entertaining and amusing.

34 thoughts on “How to Survive Being an Assistant to a Porn Star”

  1. In response to Namco above, here is my livejournal link

    http://silverambz.livejournal.com

    Unfortunately you won’t be able to see the entries I mentioned above unless I’ve friended you on there, since I have most of my entries f-locked. I also haven’t posted in awhile about the job so you might have to dig awhile.
    I’m considering getting a separate blog just for work shenanigans entries, but so far I don’t feel I post often enough to get another blog just yet. maybe I just need enough of an audience feel it worth spending that much time on it. :)

  2. “Pubic appearances”? File that one under priceless typos, given the context. ;P

    But seriously, it’s always interesting to see hear the realities of highly caricatured and sensationalised lives. So many people never give even a first thought to what things are really like at the other end of the line.

  3. was “pubic appearances” a typo? i’d like to think the possibility exists that it was done on purpose. after all, everything else seems error-free… and she IS writing to be funny =)

  4. To uber and vonjobi, “pubic” actually was a typo. Maybe my fingers did a Freudian slip?

    Although I could tell you stories about “pubic appearances” in public, pertaining to my work.
    It’s too bad my camera was stolen on that particular business trip…sigh.

  5. This is a very insightful post actually. I have heard that there are some professional girls that are pretty geeky behind closed doors.

  6. Awesome blog Amber. I’d love to be the fly on the wall for some of those calls/emails…of course, if I was a fly, I wouldn’t understand English, or know what a phone was….you know, never mind about the whole fly on the wall thing…

  7. Great article.. Thanks for the insight. I was thinking about being a personal assistant the other day. While this field is not what I was thinking, it still gives me something to think about.

    “HARD work” was an intended pun as well correct?

  8. I can only imagine the akwardness you’ve had to endure. Look on the bright side though, you have had a look at things other people only wish they knew about.

  9. Very interesting article. I think there are more things going on than most people actually realize. Sounds like a job that would keep you hopping most of the time.

  10. Thanks for an insight into the EVEN LESS glamorous aspects of the adult entertainment. The BTS scenes show all the wiring and makeup and some of the drama, but we forget that the “talent” has to have support personnel, and it’s probably even less fun for them.

  11. Awesomely written and funny as well. Very good sense of humor to combat a frustrating issue.

    I wish I had your problems! :))

  12. I can tell you that the skills she mentioned, i.e. being calm, level headed, and detail-oriented, go well with being ANY type of personal assistant, not just in the escort business. They also go well with every other job you will ever have.

    When I started working as a ‘food service technician’ I got raises faster than everyone else. Why? Because I don’t panic when people are yelling in my face, and I get my job done well. When The Lady is finished with her current career, she will find these skills extremely handy in the future.

    And for those of you that think porn sex is real sex, watch some outtakes at the end of the VHS sometime. Not only are they hilarious, but they show how it really is a business.

  13. The odd underline thingies that pop up in the article are rather amusing. I know it’s just for advertising but it makes me think that those words are very important to the sentence. And “service job” in the first sentence under item 2 made me giggle.

    This job has got to look interesting on a resume.

  14. Thank you for posting this.

    It was thoughtful and funny, and goes a long way to humanizes a portion of our population that is often dehumanized.

    Now my question…do you think the above comment is referring to escorts, or assistants?

    Jon

  15. However, as fun as this job sounds, I am sure that the pressure is enormous to stay with in the boundaries. For this I do not envy your job, however I do envy the perks you may get from doing this job. As always amber you are the greatest.

  16. The way a lot of the men misunderstand your role (possible alternate and/or phonesex mate) applies nicely to almost every job I’ve had (ones which people don’t know or understand very much about) It seems that people decide, “Oh, this is what s/he REALLY does,” and then act/speak/expect based on that notion, no matter how flawed, rather than ask.
    Also, it just goes to show there aren’t many “fun jobs”….

  17. Wow, that’s fascinating. I’ve had very little contact with adult industry stuff in my life.. went to a strip club once.. and I have a good friend who writes erotica.. ( and got in some hassle when the pr company he works for found out.. ) And then there’s that guy who did the adult industry marketing research I know.. who had nothing positive to say about the people he met.. Oh I guess there was a girl I knew online who did a little porn.. and told me to keep an open mind about the people who work in the industry..

    So to me the adult industry is a very mysterious thing.. and you just wonder what life / the world looks like from the other side of the fence. It sound kind of wonderfully.. crazy from your post.. Great post

  18. Interesting article. Don’t think I’d have the patience to deal with the weirdos though. I have a hard enough time dealing with normal people at my job. Sounds like you’re good at what you do though!

  19. Amber, those are very eye-opening facts about your unique job. It still amazes me how some guys can be so stupid over the phone, and act so retarded sometimes. I wish that I could be one of those lucky guys that gets to talk to you over the phone though. You’re right though, the people that you work for are some of the nicest people that a person can ever hope to meet.

  20. Amber’s job is definitely interesting and unusual, but that doesn’t mean that she isn’t deserving of some simple respect. It’s amazing that she had to come up with a set of rules for these dudes. I would hope that some of these clueless guys read her post and her blogs to see how they should arrange one of these appointments.

    And I hope she let’s me break Rule #5 some day. ;)

    +<|:-)

  21. Realistically, yes, this can go for any personal assistant job, but it’s particularly important for people in the adult industry. This is a very well put together How-To. While I’m not an escort or a personal assistant, I’ve been in the adult industry for coming up on 5 years now, and have met some of the most brilliant, business minded and truly wonderful people here. Service work is right – great article.

  22. I enjoyed reading this in that icky watching-Trainspotting-so-I-don’t-have-to-live-it sort of way. Important survival lessons, but also a lot of good information on how not to be That Guy!

  23. Now, how does one GET this job?
    I mean, as one who has probobly seen your employers (I think the odds are for it by now) I’ve never seen a job posting, or even thought ‘Jee, they seem stressed. Maybe I could help by becoming an ass-istant’

  24. Bow-Chica-Bow-Bow…. cue Fluffer?! Don’t worrry, I won’t be asking any stupid questions. I have a many weird visions running through my head now, though – only bc the word PORN will do that. You know that…

    Thanks for the informative reading, I was amused and entertained.

    Bow-Chica-Bow-Bowww…
    I can’t get that out of my head now, thank you.

  25. Fascinating! I enjoyed reading some of the scenarios you have posted in your blog as well! It never ocurred to me that such a job existed, so you have given me a wonderful insight into a different world.

  26. How I could get a job like this?I feel it may be funny…mysterious….and glamorous always spend with a pornstar…….plz email me How could I appointed?

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