How Not to Get Fired for Emailing

1. If someone sees you reading a message from Scoble, merely claim that “Scoble” is a new finger fungus that you're doing research on. They'll never come near you again.
2. Send every message in red 96pt bold italic Arial Black. Nobody will read them – ever. Then, you can say as many bad things about your manager as you'd like.
3. Learn how to write in rebus.
4. Wipe your screen with tissue paper before and after you hit “Send and Receive” to ensure that you remain free of viruses.
5. Send “Mambo #5″ as the background tune in every one of your messages. Whenever your boss hears the music, s/he will know that you're working hard.
6. Instead of requesting a recall of a message in Outlook, run over to the recipient's computer and smear White Out all over their screen.
7. Whenever you need to attach something to your email, ask your cubicle neighbors which port the metal paper clip goes into.
8. USE YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY WHENEVER POSSIBLE TO SAVE TIME – FEWER KEYSTROKES SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIT THE SHIFT KEY TO CAPITALIZE ANYTHING.
9. Set an “Out of Office” autoreply whenever you need to perform a mundane activity (including, but not necessarily limited to, visiting the restroom).
10. Make liberal use of emoticons. For example: Please get back to work instead of reading stupid lists. :) You're on the clock, remember? :) Judy in accounting just got laid off last week for eBaying her parking space. :) Danny wants to see you in his office and he sounds upset. :) See you at lunch, perhaps? :)

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