- If someone sees you reading a message from Scoble, merely claim that “Scoble” is a new finger fungus that you're doing research on. They'll never come near you again.
- Send every message in red 96pt bold italic Arial Black. Nobody will read them – ever. Then, you can say as many bad things about your manager as you'd like.
- Learn how to write in rebus.
- Wipe your screen with tissue paper before and after you hit “Send and Receive” to ensure that you remain free of viruses.
- Send “Mambo #5″ as the background tune in every one of your messages. Whenever your boss hears the music, s/he will know that you're working hard.
- Instead of requesting a recall of a message in Outlook, run over to the recipient's computer and smear White Out all over their screen.
- Whenever you need to attach something to your email, ask your cubicle neighbors which port the metal paper clip goes into.
- USE YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY WHENEVER POSSIBLE TO SAVE TIME – FEWER KEYSTROKES SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIT THE SHIFT KEY TO CAPITALIZE ANYTHING.
- Set an “Out of Office” autoreply whenever you need to perform a mundane activity (including, but not necessarily limited to, visiting the restroom).
- Make liberal use of emoticons. For example: Please get back to work instead of reading stupid lists. :) You're on the clock, remember? :) Judy in accounting just got laid off last week for eBaying her parking space. :) Danny wants to see you in his office and he sounds upset. :) See you at lunch, perhaps? :)
