Five Ways to Survive the Current Financial Crisis

This is Matthew Long’s submission for the HP Magic Giveaway. Feel free to leave comments for this article as you see fit – your feedback is certainly welcomed! If you’d like to submit your own how-to, what-is, or top-five list, you can send it to me. Views and opinions of this writer are not necessarily my own:

1. Become a Bank

Unless you have been hibernating lately, you have no doubt read countless news stories about the Wall Street bailout by Congress. These companies had no problem playing with the mutual funds of teachers, social workers and other middle class people, but as soon as their golden parachutes were in danger, it became time to start begging for help. Not only have these institutions received billions of dollars of our tax money in an effort to save their fortunes, but other entities have declared themselves banks in order to cash in as well. That is correct, you read that right, companies are trying to become banks in order to get a piece of the nearly $1 trillion bailout. So, if you want to get by, declare yourself a commercial bank and ask the Department of Treasury for some cash. In order to remain under the radar though, I would not get greedy – $1 billion shouldn’t raise any eyebrows.

2. Do Not Manufacture Cars

There are more than 100 million households in the United States, most of which have at least one car. With these kinds of numbers, it would seem that becoming a car manufacturer would be the way to go. However, another valuable lesson we’ve learned is that manufacturing cars in the United States is a fast track to declaring bankruptcy. While you may feel a compulsion to start building 2-ton behemoths in your garage that get 3 or 4 miles to the gallon, just say no! It’s not worth the pain of hiring employees who, shockingly enough, will want to get paid and receive benefits. So while the allure may be there, you must be strong and at all costs avoid making cars at home. Bikes seem to be doing well, so why not go the way of Schwinn?

3. Get Elected to Congress

The one segment of the job sector that never seems to suffer is also one of the most exclusive, Members of Congress. While thousands of Americans are losing their jobs every month, the number of people on food stamps sky rockets, those who call the Capitol their office place are doing just fine. Usually, when an organization with 535 employees fails miserably, then that organization is no longer in business, or at least someone is fired. Not so if you are a Member of Congress! So quit your job, say goodbye to your cubicle (don’t forget the Dilbert clips) and run for Congress. Good pay, guaranteed job (for a while at least), and awesome bathrooms.

4. Eat Green – Literally

Being green seems to be all the rage today. People are switching to hybrids, installing solar panels on their homes and recycling more than ever. But how can an average person take action locally in order to save the planet? Start saving grocery dollars, and work to conserve the Earth, by eating the common weeds you find in your yard. Chickweed, amaranth and cronewort will soon replace your fancy schmancy bags of Caesar salad and the like. After a few months, you may even start enjoying them.

5. Train Pets to Start Working

We all love our pets, I know we do! Heck, I have three Siberian Huskies that I adore. However, these cute little fur balls sleep 18 hours a day, eat a lot of food, and have health care costs not covered by any insurance! In sum, they cost a fortune. So, in these most hard of times, it is important that you start putting your pets to work for you. While the easiest way to earn fast cash from your cats and dogs may be carnival work or perhaps menial, household labor, there is a much more effective way. Simply train your furry friend to stand at stoplights with little buckets around their necks. Adding a sad sign that elucidates your financial situation would be even more effective. Doing this should generate hundreds of dollars a week easily.

I offer these five ways to avoid financial meltdown in the current economic crisis as a gesture of compassion. Please heed these words and you and your family should be just fine.