Do You Argue Effectively?

Let’s face it. People are going to argue. You’ll argue with your friends, relatives and significant others. You’ll win some, and you’ll lose some. But how you argues is what will make or break your relationship with that person. Duncan is a community member who goes by the handle of “JustaGuy”, and he sent the following tips to me. These tips will hopefully help you argue better.

• Be Mature - The absolute most important thing when arguing with someone is to remain mature. An example of this is yelling. People always seem to yell in arguments… but why? This is probably because they get fired up and angry during an argument… but getting angry solves nothing. Yelling at someone will only provoke them which is not going to help you win the argument.
• Figure out a goal - If you find yourself in an argument, try to figure out why you are in it in the first place. If you started the argument, this should be easy. Basically, if everything went your way, what would you get at the end of the argument? If you are arguing with someone about who gets to use the remote control, keep in mind WHY you want the remote control. If you want to watch something that’s on, then your goal is to have the TV set to the right channel when it’s time for your program. The point of figuring out a goal is so that you know what you want to achieve. This may seem like a stupid step, but it’s actually pretty important. If, for instance, you didn’t really want to watch something on TV, but just wanted the remote so you could feel in control… that’s not a very mature goal. If you find that your goal is immature, then abandon it. Sit back, and let the other person win the argument. You will know that you’re the real winner because you were more mature.
• Figure out who prodded the tranquil pond - By “prodded the tranquil pond”, I mean who started this argument. Everything up until the argument was a tranquil pond, but who messed it up? Along with figuring out the goal, one should consider who started the argument, and what will happen if there is no conclusion to the argument. Sometimes this is impossible, but think of it this way: If Party A decides they want to watch TV even though Party B is already watching the TV… then unless Party B is feeling nice, Party A will not get to watch TV. If Party B were to consider his or her goal for this argument, it would likely be to “continue watching TV.” Party A’s goal is to “Stop Party B from watching TV and be able to watch TV.” Obviously this is going to be pretty impossible for Party A to win unless Party B gives up the television.
• Consider the rules - In the previous example, the only rule about watching TV is an unspoken one.. and that is that whoever gets to the TV first gets to watch it. If Party A could negotiate some kind of sharing arrangement with Party B, then Party A would get to watch TV eventually, because Party B would follow the rules… well hopefully. The best solution, in my opinion, to Party A’s predicament, would have been to, maybe an hour or two before the argument, make an agreement with Party B that Party A would get to watch TV in two hours. If Party A wants to watch TV at 5:00, then Party A should have gone to Party B a while BEFORE 5:00 and told Party B that Party A wants to watch TV at 5:00. Perhaps then Party A would offer that Party B can watch TV again at, say 7:00. That way, both sides will end up equal.
• Take personalities out of the picture - Here’s the thing: a lot of times people argue with other people for no real reason. The only REAL reason they’re arguing is so that they can feel like they’re “better” than the other person. That is a really stupid goal, not to mention immature. As I’ve already mentioned, you will be the real winner of these kinds of arguments if you are mature, and let the other person win. Don’t say stuff like “Oh you would think that” or “That’s the kind of stupid idea only you would have”. These will do NOTHING to win you the argument.
• Be Reasonable - Do not try making arguments where the terms are unreasonable. Seriously, remain mature in your argument and understand that you can’t have everything that you want. If your goal is too ambitious, then you are going to have to make it more reasonable. Don’t demand that you get to watch TV for 5 hours when the other person has been watching for only 1, that’s just not reasonable.
• Remain calm while arguing - Being calm goes hand in hand with being Mature. Just remain calm during the argument and it will probably help you. Though I already mentioned this, don’t get fired up and start yelling at the other person during the argument. It’s probably not going to help you win.
• Don’t be afraid to give up - Often times, people will have been arguing with someone for a while, and have lost sight of they’re goal. Then, they’re just angry at the other person instead of having an actual goal to focus on. It’s times like these that you need to equip your Maturity Helmet, and walk away from the argument. And don’t try to retain your dignity by getting in the last word or anything like that, it won’t do anything for you. Often arguments will eventually scale into a situation in which both parties just want the other person not to win, and don’t really care who actually gets to watch TV, or whatever. Making any snide remarks as you walk away from the argument is just stupid and immature. Don’t be like “Well I’m being the more mature person and just walking away, so take that.” or “Well since your being so unreasonable, I refuse to talk with you anymore”. It’s incredibly hard not to say something like that, but don that Helmet of Maturity and just leave. If you do successfully walk away, you will feel much better about yourself because you chose to be mature and retained your sense of reason, and got yourself out of a fight where no one would win.

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