Crap You Shouldn't Watch

I'm a nice guy; I love helping people. So, I thought I'd help you watch our show tomorrow. “But Chris,” you say. “I already know how to turn on my television!” Therein lies the rub. You've got more than one station at your fingertips. Let me narrow down the selection for you. You've got the local news; that's always depressing, except for when they play the surfing dog segments at the end of the broadcast. He's out with an injured tail, so don't bother flipping over. There's “Blind Date,” which always has some jackass trying to impress a hot chick… kinda like our show, with less computers. “Charlie Rose” is playing on PBS; today, he's speaking with Jessica Lange. Isn't she dead? Oh, wait… that's Jessica Tandy – who also started Radio Shack out of her water shed, FYI. Uh… there's “Shipmates,” which is nothing more than “Blind Date” meets “Survivor” meets “Romper Room.” Thn, there's “Judge Mathis” – a Judge Judy wannabe. If it ain't Wapner, it's a flopner. You always have the option to go with “Paid Programming” content – but if you really want to watch infomercials, just tune in to TechTV later tonight. Our commercials are better. We still run Elf Bowling in the middle of spring. We love Christmas THAT much.

“Hercules” is playing on the Cartoon Network, but since James Kim is flexing his portable MP3 muscle tomorrow, you'll have plenty of animated testosterone with us. Ah, there's also a rerun of the “Brady Bunch.” It's the episode where one of the kids does something wrong and Mike and Carol get mad at them, but by the end of the show, everybody's happy. Hardly as predictable as showing you the tech world's greatest blunders. Did you own a Lisa? Don't feel stupid – two other people did, too. “Unsolved Mysteries” appears to be running in tandem with “Call for Help” as well; this week, they're asking what happened to Screetch's career. I see they're doing a Carnie Wilson biography, too. She's kinda hot now. Not as hot as Cat, though. Cat's gonna help us master the celebrity stock market. “Nashville Star?” Isn't that like “American Idol” with half the teeth? “Roseanne” is on, but when was the last time you saw her give you a bonus tip? That's right – never. And now that the show's in syndication, you know she never will. Our show is live. It's alive every day of the week (and I don't count Saturday and Sunday as days, either).

The choice is clear: it's Call for Help (in a white wine sauce). Watch today at 3PM, and tomorrow at 9AM Eastern. “But Chris,” you say. “I can't watch your show at those times! Why doesn't TechTV run it later in the day?” Because… that would anger the gods. We asked them a few weeks ago, but they wound up taking Erica Hill away from us. We don't wanna lose anybody else around here, so it's best just to be thankful for what we have. Studies have shown that forty-year old marionettes feel better about themselves if they get airtime in the afternoon. Who am I to argue with the numbers? If watching “Puppetmaster” has taught me anything it's that you don't wanna upset inanimate objects. Why do you think we try to keep Roger so happy around here?

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