Airplane safety is no laughing matter, especially when you’re sitting next to a passenger who smells like he just got out of a tennis game and forgot to shower. Before taking your assigned seat, you should first look for all emergency exits and restrooms (noting that the closest ones may be behind you, and first class asses are better than your class asses). In the event of a water landing, please hold your breath as long as possible. Note that your seat cushion may be used as a makeshift club to knock out the people standing in front of you waiting to jump out of the flaming wreckage. Our pilot is underpaid, our flight attendents are underpaid, and the ground crew is made up of illegal aliens more people who are underpaid. Thank you for flying Generic Air – where our concern is none of your concern. We know you had no choice in choosing this airline, but thanks anyway.
Please watch this airplane safety instructional video: