Stupidphone vs Smartphone

Independent studies claim that the the Rotary beats both iPhones and Android devices in a series of real-world tests. How?

1958- very yellow phone

  1. The dialing mechanism has force feedback. None of this namby-pamby, touchscreen crap. Haptics are for the lazy.
  2. Forces you to remember actual phone numbers. That’s for when you’re trying to call your “best friend” (whose number you can’t remember) from another phone after your battery has died. And speaking of…
  3. No batteries required. Forget recharging – this is an all-day (and all-night) sucker.
  4. You can’t take it with you. Tired of people getting ahold of you anytime, anywhere? Screw that.
  5. Burns more calories. Ever mis-dial the 6th number, needing to hang up and try the whole darn thing again? Yeah, well that’s physical activity – and that burns calories.
  6. No case required. This thing is built from bakelite – one of the toughest plastics known to man. You drop the headpiece, there’s no worries about it shattering into a zillion pieces.
  7. No dropped calls. In order to make a connection to the mothership, you need to plug ‘er into the wall. You could run around the room all day long and never have to worry about interference.
  8. No accidental butt-dials. If you actually connect with a person after sitting on this phone, it would be the first time in history that such a thing has happened.
  9. Hasn’t changed in decades. Are you tired of having to re-learn a task every six months when an upgrade becomes available? Never fear! This device will never change. Ever.
  10. Curbs a drug dealer’s ability to buy and sell. I shit you not.

Stupidphone? Maybe it’s not so stupid after all.