2005 July 10

I couldn't help myself:

Like many of you with nothing else to do but to wait for inspiration to strike, I'm watching Hurricane Dennis coverage on CNN. They've got tornado warnings, but what about sensationalism warnings?
“Looks like the roof… yes, the roof is going to be blowing off any minute now. I'm getting reports, I don't know if you can see this, but I'm getting reports that this hurricane is about to blow the roof off the gas station. Again, this roof is here, we're here, it's raining, and damn – that roof is determined not to move. We will keep you posted as to the roof's condition, where the worst of the winds are. We seem to be close to the hurricane now. It's right behind us, and right in front of this gas station roof. It's horrible here, Soledad. Is that your real name, by the way? Maybe they should name the next hurricane after you. OH! The gas station roof has just… no, nevermind. It was just a shingle or bird or book or Starbucks carrying tray. We're not sure as of this moment. Again, we are at a high hurricane alert level. Soledad?”
“Thank you, Anderson. We warn you not to do what we're doing. We're trained hurricane professionals, folks. Do not put yourselves in danger, please – I cannot stress this enough. We are in the middle of a hurricane, stronger than any other hurricane in 2005. Stay out of the path of any hurricane. Thank you. We now have to take a quick break. But stay tuned, as you never know when this hurricane is going to change course and attack your neighborhood.”
“You are watching CNN. If you record any pictures or videos of this hurricane as it passes by your house, please send them to us immediately. But don't put yourselves in danger – unless you have a really good shot. This is a hurricane, and we need citizen footage. Oh, and if you have nothing interesting to tell us, please call our toll-free number and we'll put you live on the air. Now, back to our anchors.”
“We are now watching footage of half naked Americans as they hunker down… what does hunker mean, anyway? They're hunkering down and watching the storm destroy their lives. I can't imagine what it is like to have your entire life destroyed by the… I have to interrupt. The gas station roof has officially blown away. I repeat, the gas station roof has just blown away. This is madness. It's the greatest, strongest, horniest storm ever to hit this particular mile of our country.”
UPDATE: “The sign has fallen. I repeat, the sign has fallen. There are pieces of debris flying all over the place. We almost lost a cameraman earlier, as we continue to cover this sign blowing activity. We are in the middle of the hurricane. The sign is flying around and around – look at how that pine tree has snapped. Don't ask me how a coniferous tree can survive in this climate. This was an intense thirty minutes of our lives. We have seen the sign fall, the sign has fallen, and again, the sign is down. Watch out for the sign. I can't imagine what it would be like to survive the sign flying directly into a body – it has to do some serious damage at some point. We will travel with the sign as it blows across this stretch of land. I can't tell if the sign is still where we predicted it would be with our live coverage of the storm of the week of the year of the century of a lifetime. We don't know if the sign will be back, if it will blow back and return to its home base.”
“We don't know if this is the eye of the sign, or if the sign will be re-erected or if it stood erect when it officially blew over. The sign is down, unbelievable. It is hard to believe that mother nature can work its magic with signs blowing around. You have to watch out for the sign. The sign is on fire. I repeat, the sign is on fire. Let's watch the mother of all hurricanes take out even more signs. Here it comes again. Here it comes again. Get back! Get back! Look over there! It's aluminum! Be careful. Here comes the sign. Again, here comes the sign. This is incredible. The sign is amazing. The sign is dangerous. The sign is going to kill someone if you think about it. This is not tin, this is aluminum. We have reports that even more signs will blow down over the course of this storm. Let's watch as people run for safety. The sign has now REGISTERED FOR A ROOM AT THE HOTEL! I repeat, this is unbelievable. The sign is now TRYING TO LOG INTO THE INTERNET! This is extraordinary, a completely unexpected turn of events. The sign looks as though it's ready to hunker down. I repeat, the sign may very well be ready to hunker down.”

Read more on Sensational Hurricane…

As I mentioned on my show the other night, our house is finally basking in the glow of HDTV! It's truly an amazing experience, viewing high definition television within the comfort of your own home. Every single pixel is painted in happiness, dipped in the stream of media gold. My only issue now is: I don't want to watch regular television. If it's 4:3, it's not for me. If it's less than 1080i, then I'm not your guy. We're now finding ourselves watching snoozer programming only because it looks astounding on the HD screen. How did I ever get along without HDTV? Only one who has walked the path of high definition could answer that question with conviction. The only frustrations I have are beyond everybody's control!
I need more HDTV content – period. Not just movie channels, not just random local programs, not just a few digital cable stations. Even OnDemand doesn't give me high definition access (thanks again, Comcast). For the first time in my life, I'm underwhelmed with the quality of DVDs – they used to look phenomenal on my old televisions. I don't know who's going to win the HD DVD battle (or when), but we're all suffering in the meantime. I also need an HD-capable Windows Media Center that supports digital cable out-of-the-box. Oh, and I need the Xbox 360, too. HDTV all the way from this point forward, man.

Read more on HDTV Happiness…