2003

The troops are doing their job, but what about the rest of us? I say it's time to launch Operation [Insert Retarded Title Here]. Our mission? To do our best to keep the peace at home – no matter where “home” happens to be. To help get you in the mood, I've uncovered this link to Patriotic Babes. Now all we need is a Retarded Title. Bonus points for euphemisms.

Read more on Operation Retarded Title…

We just watched the Little People of America storm 16th with their chant: “Hell no – we won't grow!” They were followed shortly by the Bay Area League of Women Menstruators, who could be heard chanting: “Hell no – we won't flow!” Naturally, they were only copying the Crackheads of North America, who were screaming: “Hell no – we want blow!” They were joined by the Naked Old People with Alzheimer's of Marin County: “Hell, we can't remember the words but we hope they serve peach cobbler tonight!” If you think I'm being silly, you apparently haven't heard about the first known civilian death. Tell me, what did that bridge ever do to you?! Stupid people are turning this tragedy into a comedy. To protest the protesters, Gretchen and I have decided to stay home for the night. We might even liberate our underwear in a few minutes. UPDATE: Mexican Lesbians have now joined the fray. [Via BuzzMachine]

Read more on If I Ran The Zoo…

I'm not really in a bad mood – I'm just blowing off steam. We've got morons up the wazoo crowding the streets of San Francisco to protest the war. It took me well over an hour to get to work this morning – when it normally takes ten minutes. I don't mind peaceful demonstrations – but the moment you get in my way, I get a little pissy. You don't like what we're doing in Iraq? Fine, it's your right as an American citizen to share your feelings with the public. But how is keeping me from my morning coffee going to change anything?! Why don't you get a Web site – like a normal person? Blog it, damn you. Just don't stand in between me and my Peet's.

Read more on Venting Plasma…

It's time to go through my TechTV inbox, shuffle past the spam, and answer a few burning questions. “Chris, why did you cut your hair like that?” I had no choice; it had been burned to a crisp with the bleaching / coloring process. I could either wear the mullet wig for a month or take it off… take it ALL off. I opted for the latter. “Chris, will they let you cut your hair like this more often?” I doubt it. I've already caused our ratings to drop over 200% in the past couple of days. Of course, I was sick for two of them. Leo and Brett were great substitutes. They almost had to change the name of the show to: “I Can't Believe It's Not Pirillo!” “Chris, you look silly with a butch.” Yeah, well… you look silly with a pencil shoved halfway up your nose. I can shove it in all the way if you'd like me to? “Chris, what's up with you being sick this week? Did all of those hair chemicals go to your brain?” Oranges. Oranges and graphic design. “You're not Leo.” Yes, we pretty much established this two years ago. You're living in the past, man. “Chris, can I call you 'Chris'?” Sure. Just don't tell my wife. Thanks. She tends to be overprotective when it comes to people using my name. “Chris, I think you eat rainbows with your hair color.” Using Google's translation engine, are we? “Chris, I think you should go over to Cat's house one night and dye her hair. And then you should go and look at the posters in her room.” Uh… okay? Look, if you're not going to ask serious questions, I'm just going to stop answering them today. “Chris, don't you think the viewers would rather blah blah blah… yadda yadda yadda?” Totally. Now tune in tomorrow or I'll punch you in the nuts.

Read more on The Sniffle Shuffle…

I've been sick this past week, but that hasn't stopped me from testing applications for Lockergnome. In between trips to the toilet, I stumbled upon Huminity. I'd point you directly to its site, but I don't want you to install it. In fact, I want you to tell everybody on the PLANET not to install it. Why? Because it just raped my address book. I guess I didn't take their privacy policy literally: 'Contacts are notified by a one-time e-mail notification about their inclusion in the Huminity network.' WTF?! Assume that when you install the program, the people in your contacts list will be notified with no further warning. Sick! Well, if you got a message from me telling you to join this network, let me use this space to WARN YOU to avoid this site / software at all cost.

Read more on Sick and Sicker…

We are on Orange Alert.

My illness appears to be passing, although I can still hear some amount of stuffiness when I speak. All should be well by tomorrow morning. I'll return to work, head held high – reflecting the lights above. Yep. I killed the fro. Didn't have much of a choice, mind you. I'm starting from scratch, and sneezing all the way there. *cough cough* I should probably go back to bed now. *sniffle* Thanks for noticing me.

Read more on Geeks Gone Bald…

I was looking for something a few minutes ago and… well, the results speak for themselves. Do a search for anything on Amazon.com – and they'll tell you where to find it. “See 'the finest breast' on Page 3 of the menu at Cafe Starbucks.” / “See 'my wife' on Page 53 of Things You Never Knew Existed.” / “See 'baby batter' on Page 149 of Macgill Discount School Nurse Supplies.” / See 'colored farts' on Index 3 of Source Equipment.” / “See 'your mom' on Page 105 of Dressler's Dog Supplies-All Breed Dog Specialty.” / “See 'your pubic hair' on Page 18 of Herbal Healer Academy Natural Medicine Supply.” / “See 'horny protozoa' on Page 88 of American 3B Scientific 2002 mail-order catalog.” / “See 'someone happier than me' on Page 5 of Boltz Steel Furniture-Steel Style.” What do YOU see?

Read more on I See Geek People…

I planned on spending most of the afternoon searching for open access points in my neighborhood. Mother nature decided to intervene; my sinuses have been draining down the back of my throat for the better part of two days, completely nullifying my sense of taste. I tried half a spoonful of wasabi, but the hit only lasted for a few seconds. Nothing's gonna wear down this mucus blanket but time. For dinner, I plan on having some Halls (with mentho-lyptus). They have Advanced Vapor Action, ya know? Yeah, I know it's nothing more than candy – but the minty flavor is keeping me from going hoarse. I plan on popping a Ricola or two for dessert. Maybe even a can of seltzer water to wash it all down? I really don't wanna go to bed with Nyquil coating my tongue for the third night in a row, though. That stuff always knocks me out; it's a capful of green, liquid death. But I don't blame Vicks. Oh, no… I blame it on the rain that was falling, falling. Some would say that the chemicals they used on my hair pushed me over the edge. Judge for yourself. Thanks again to everybody who provided a mirror for the video!

Read more on Filled with Phlegm…

Who is Jason Cain? Apparently someone who has: “the first website devoted to teaching moneymaking strategies to bloggers.” Excuse me? Have I been in the dark for the past year? Who is this guy? Is anybody taking him seriously? I'm not talking about GoldBlogger, I'm talking about GoldBlogger. Technorati shows only one inbound link / blog for it. Feedster? “0 posts found, 0 Shown.” GoldBlogger? Has anybody wasted their money on this gold-digging resource? Do Dave, Nick, Glenn, Andrew, and Rebecca know they're being quoted? If so, I can't imagine why I haven't heard of this guy before. What's more, he's got a pop-out window begging visitors to sign up for a “FREE REPORT.” It's either my sinuses draining or the thought of this site; I'm kinda sick to my stomach – and not in the Raging Cow kinda way.

Read more on Gold?…

So, my Web Producer (Rich Migliozzi) says that with my new hair colors, I look like a “Space Pop.” Excuse me? A what? “You know, a 'Rocket Pop.'” Oh, you mean a BOMB Pop. “A what?” I look like a Bomb Pop. Apparently, it must be a Midwest thing? We stick jimmies on our wangs and not on our Sundaes. I suppose that's better than slapping davenports on our Changs and longing for Mondays?

Read more on I'm Da Bomb Pop…

Congratulations to Mike and Stacey on the birth of their son, Ryan! Don't expect to hear too much cooing coming from the Pirillo household anytime soon, though. Other than the… *ahem* nevermind. Why not? (1) We hardly have enough time for ourselves, let alone another human being; (2) Ain't no way I'm raisin' a kid in the city; (3) I'd have to buy yet another Webcam; (4) Diapers. 'Nuff said. (5) We've got Sprocket – and he's enough for now.

Read more on Bouncing Baby Ryan…

I just added a 'TrackBack' feature to this blog (just hover your mouse cursor over each number in the post's title to see which is which). Figured I'd launch it with a bang. Here's a shout-out to all you low-carbers out there – and you know who you are. Does everybody else know, though? If you avoid sugars and carbs at all costs, why don't you TrackBack, and leave a Comment with your favorite low-carb recipe site? Same goes for all you wannabe sugar busters (and busties).

Read more on Sugar Haters…

If you're using the Blogrolling service, you might wanna check out Jason's latest message: “The pinger is ready for beta testers! This beta is for MovableType users only at this point. In your 'Weblog Config' under 'Publicity / Remote Interfaces / TrackBack,' add in this in the text box.” What's this all about? Eventually, it'll be another way for you to notify the world that your blog has been updated. Nice, eh? Thank you, Mr. DeFillippo, once again!

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For some reason, MT isn't allowing me to update my last post, so if you've got a mirror for my video, please add it via comment for “Mr. American Pie.” (which, if you're too lazy to figure out, is the post that is sitting just below this one). If you post your mirrored URL in the comments stream for THIS post (Freaky Friday), you will be dubbed a retard for the rest of your life – and everyone will have my permission to make fun of you with reckless abandon.

Read more on Freaky Friday…