2003 September

I got dragged away from my entertaining computer to be entertained by a set of entertainers across town last night. We had a general idea what to expect, but didn't really understand what was waiting for us on stage: a comedian, a guitarist, and a musical genius named Andy. It doesn't take much to capture my attention, but (generally speaking) I pay immediate heed to Stand-Up routines. Blaine Capatch was nearing the end of his set, playing with dorky little puppets and trying to get us to laugh. He whips out this “99¢ Only” bunny rabbit puppet – still stuck to its cardboard backing. According to him, the cloth-creature was missing an eye and its mouth was cock-eyed. So, this guy starts animating the puppet with his own voice, all muffled and slurred. In a split second, I went from zero to ludicrous speed. Hyena time! Since I was the only one busting a gut, I tried to contain myself. It didn't work. Honestly, that was the funniest thing I had seen / heard in a LONG time; I wish someone would have recorded it.

Read more on That's Entertainment…

I'm disgusted that Michael Moore wasn't even nominated for the “Most Unexpected (but yet not) Acceptance Speech for an Awards Show Televised on Television” award. Instead, the academy gave it to Abe Vigoda. Rigged! Rigged! Or maybe I'm just jealous that I lost the “Shortest Person Ever to Appear on a Cable Network Watched by Less Than Three People” award to Gary Coleman? Eh, well at least some of us know we wouldn't make a good governator of California.
And in other news, I've overhauled our Tutorials section.

Read more on Emmys Schmemmys…

I bowled the best game of my life last night… almost. If my first three frames were any indication, I was ready to wipe the walls. However, I gave up my lane to those who had not yet had the opportunity to get themselves into the “Gutter Ball Hall of Fame.” Since ASS and POO had not been taken by the time we got there, at least I got to be POO for a short while. They were ready to kick us out at 1AM, seeing as the David Lawrence Birthday Bowl-a-thon didn't start until an hour shy of Midnight. Everyone seemed to have a blast, despite the strippers not being able to make it due to a scheduling conflict. In college, they used to call me Thumper! Because of my bowling style… not for my addiction to strippers.

Read more on [X] [7 /] [8 /]…

What? You thought I was selling my older hardware for the fun of it? Things I love about Kwyjibo, my new Sony Clie UX50: size, shape, weight, screen, features, functionality, convenience, power cradle. Things I don't love about Kwyjibo: (1) it relies on the Sony Memory Suck; (2) No keyboard navigation; (3) unmanageable USB port cover; (4) no way to flip between portrait / landscape mode; (5) deep reliance on ass-nasty QuickTime codecs; and (6) poor out-of-the-box Outlook integration. Even with these grievances aired, I must admit that I've been quite pleased with “it” so far. Then again, who's ever completely happy with their PDA?

Read more on Boys and Their Toys…

Within the past day, the world has successfully moved Online! from a sales rank of two-million to a tri-digit 377. I don't know how you did it, or how this new math works, but thanks. By the end of the week, I hope to be somewhere in between “Who Moved My Cheese?” and “Dr. Phil's Berate Your Way To Thin.” I just finished up “Rich Dad, Poor Mom” the other day. It was good, but not as good as the latest Nancy Drew thriller: “Ms. Walrustitty and the Mystery of the Bloody Stump.”

Read more on Amazon.com Sales Rank…

Today is the greatest day I've ever known. I'd like to thank the academy, my family, and most of all – Peet's Coffee. Check it out: sitting on their official Web site is something I never dreamed I'd see. It brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips. “It is our extreme pleasure to present to you the Pirillo Power Pack, complete with three of Chris's favorite Peet's coffees: Kenya, Major Dickason's Blend, and Sulawesi-Kalosi. It's a starter pack that was designed to bring your love of coffee to an entirely new level.” If you happen to get one, send me a digital picture of you drinking it and I'll treasure it forever.

Read more on Peet's Pirillo Power Pack…

It's time for Chris to clean out his closet and consolodate his cache. Hence, he's giving you first crack at any of the following items. Some, he inherited from close friends – but every piece is in great (to excellent) condition. Buyer pays S&H:

Read more on Let's Go Shopping!…

Last night, I hypothesized: “I think I know how to feed trolls.” This morning, I woke up having seen my conjecture completely validated. O'Reilly should have me write a book about it or something. This is free entertainment. Too bad I don't eat popcorn anymore. All people who eat popcorn are stupid.

Read more on It worked!…

Just as flies are attracted to honey (and stinky poopie), trolls are attracted to any opportunity to make their relatively-senseless emotional outbursts known on blogs. Do I care? Nay, I say. It's kinda fun to sit back and watch a few folks whine in symphony – especially when they don't realize that by leaving a comment here in the first place, they immediately nullify their position. Since I only write when I feel passionate about something, any given entry typically assumes a specifc tone. Mad, glad, sad, had, fad, rad, or bad.

Read more on Sloppy Peepers…

For my own sanity, I'm placing a ban on all televisoin viewing and radio listening for the next twenty-three hours. Take a look at the date stamp of this entry and you'll understand why. I'd just as soon remember what happened two years ago on my own; I don't need to be bombarded with harsh visual reminders and dramatic music on every other channel. To be brutally honest, these inexplicable events happen every day, in every country, to the Nth degree… just “never” in our own backyard. I'm an American, but I'm also smart enough to know that we don't corner the market on innocent civilian deaths (and to claim otherwise is woefully arrogant and inaccurate). Maybe one day everybody will start thinking about human beings… instead of making human beens.

Read more on Please Don't Remind Me…

“Hi. This is the qmail-send program at mercury.shreve.net. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out… abcdefg@shreve.net
– Sorry, no mailbox here by that name. (#5.1.1)… Below this line is a copy of the message.” Listen up, MORONS: you don't need to send me false “failure notices” anymore. I get it! I understand that this is a user that doesn't exist. What YOU need to understand is: my e-mail address was spoofed by a virus! You're tap dancing on my last nerve here. Hire a sysadmin who can configure an account for this mythical “abcdefg,” and have all incoming data dumped directly to the bit bucket. Or, ya know, keep sending me 100k messages every four minutes and that might stop the cycle.

Read more on Shreve.net is Run by Idiots…

This'll probably sound snakey, but… I inadvertently stumbled upon a fine solution for Outlook users yesterday, as I was snooping around my own site and spied a button sponsor. Lo and behold, it was a spam-busting tool that had been discounted for my subscribers. I downloaded and installed it, and was very impressed with what it had to offer. I'm not going to link to the special page directly, only because I'm trying hard not to sound like a shill. Honestly, I have a conscience! You can go exploring Ella on your own if you care to check it out. I had been using the “new” MailWasher Pro, but found it to be too cumbersome and not much of a time-saver in the end (since I still have to flip back to my mail program eventually).

Read more on Mi nombre es Florencia Sanz…

Don't be a turkey. Or a chicken. Join the virtual fun if you weren't invited to our LA pool party. Certain people have promised to get naked, although they're not the people you'd really care to see without clothes on. No matter, we're all set to go with a moblog… the likes of which you'll never wanna see again. I'm whiter than rice. And unlike on my regular photoblog, we're allowing you to post your insipid comments at will. I decided to turn off that feature last week on PIRILLO.jpg after a few flippant comments offended close friends (who, by the way, never call for no apparent reason). Say whatever you want about me, I don't care – but remember that not all people are flame bait of Recca retardant resistant. Now you know – and knowing is half the battle.

Read more on Fantastic Foamy Fun…

In the quiet town of Andover, Massachusetts, Myron “Wah Wah” Schuwawala started taking a multi-vitamin to round out his dietary needs in the spring of 1985. It wasn't long before he discovered a color that didn't exist in a box of 64 crayons. At first, the new hue of his urine didn't capture Myron's creativity. As he was evacuating his system weeks after introducing the nutritional suppliment to his body, his hand slipped and a very important document was inadvertently sprayed. It was at that very moment when the idea for the highlighter came about.

Read more on How Shit Got Invented (I)…