When people ask you about your first computer, what do they mean? I mean, do they mean the first one you ever used, the first one you assembled, the first one you monopolized, or the first one you purchased? I'm still not sure where it all began with me. The second grade, perhaps - with access to an Apple ][e in the hallway. Then, there was the ][e at the Altoona Public Library. At both terminals, I often spent allocated time on mastering the Oregon Trail. My grandfather had a Vic20 plugged into a black and white televsion set. A few years later, my dad (read: Santa) brought home a C64. To increase productivity, an IBM clone eventually found its way into our living room. In college, I found myself fussing around in computer labs until my junior year - when I saved up enough money ($200) to purchase a used system (sans hard drive). My external 14.4 modem worked well enough with it, so I was good to go. That summer, I used my student loans to get a 486. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Intel sent me some test hardware last summer, and I built my first “from scratch” computer. So, what was the question?

With Gretchen traveling home today, there's no fear of her seeing this until I pick her up from the airport. I commissioned an artist to craft this portrait of Sprocket. Nice, huh? It got here yesterday, minutes after I received another package. If it'll fit in the trunk, I'll put it in there and surprise her when she goes to stow her suitcase. This is so cool, and I think she'll love it, too.

Whatever! I am NOT a panhandler. Sure, I'll rent my chest to anybody who sends me money. But they can turn around and use the photo however they see fit (or unfit). Plus, the site still sends clicks [read: traffic!] to listed bustomers. I don't see that as begging for anything - I see it as an exchange for services rendered (in washable Crayola markers). I'm not going to argue with top placement on Yahoo!'s page, but I'm offended that it would be listed somewhere in the “Poverty” hierarchy. I'd be happier under the “Maniacal Internet Marketers” category. Jesus, they have me listed TWICE on the same page. Methinks someone's got a hankerin' for some white chest. Don't make me take off my shirt, though - this is No PANTS Fiday.

You want Wing. You need Wing. You love Wing. You click Wing. You crave Wing. You take Wing. You feel Wing. You own Wing. You bless Wing. You lack Wing. You smack Wing. You hold Wing. You miss Wing. You kiss Wing. You drink Wing. You stink, Wing.

I'm a fontaholic, and I can still slap a B&W graphic or logo into a TrueType / OpenType font at a moment's notice (after $7 via PayPal). How many fonts do you have installed on your system(s) right now? Double-check with the super-spiffy, totally free, cross-platform compatible STC Font Browser. This link is a prime example of the type of money-saving resources I uncover for Gnomies every single weekday. My newsletter has been like a blog for the past eight years. True.

I passed the test, even though it didn't address a few important questions. How much computer kitsch do you have sitting on your desk? In your car? Have you ever… Started your own dot-com? E-mailed a webmaster to tell them about a 404? Ordered a Happy Meal for yourself after the age of 21? Designed your own cereal box? Stuck a CD in the microwave just to see what happens? A cat? Overclocked your television? Corrected a computer radio show host on the air? Taken a test to measure your level of geekiness? Posted your results to Chris Pirillo's blog?

Gretchen's gonna kill me when she sees I found this.

When I saw the commercial for a new deodorant bodyspray, I had to give it a shot. It's something called Axe, and the concoction claims that “seriously close encounters” may ensue after use. The results were somewhat surprising - and yet, not. Don't believe everything you see on television (except for the Teletubbies).

Now that I have your attention, let me point you to an article that Dave crafted yesterday. “Who will pay for software?” I will - and I bet other people will, too. I issued a challenge last year in Computer Power User Magazine. In the dictionary of TRON, I'm nothing more a User. My simple plea: don't kill the shareware industry. My favorite search engine creator notes that “software doesn't have a physical reproduction cost.” He's correct - and therein lies its greatest strength and weakness. What was the last piece of software that YOU bothered to register? Please leave your comment after the beep. I'd like to believe that we could hit at least 200 by tomorrow morning. Let's prove Dave Winer wrong, m'kay? Haven't you always wanted to do that? Let's push his nipple.

I've met Mena. She's a nice person. However, it appears that fame has gone straight to her head. According to the picture I found in this post, it's about to engulf the entire North American western seaboard. Run for your lives! Who knows where she'll go from here!?

James Hsiung is my new bestest friend. I've never met him in real life, I don't know what he looks like, and I have no idea why he's been so nice to me. This guy had the luck of attending the Hollywood CD release for one of my favorite music artists. The result? A personalized autographed copy of some hamsters from a planet near Mars. Twinkie-weiner sandwiches for all!

“Hey Daddy? I know it's only 4AM, but I think I need to do something really bad. I mean, it's good that I can do it, but it'll be bad if I have to do it inside. So, can you please wake up and take me outside? Thanks, I really appreciate it. Oh, but I'm not going to cooperate when it comes time for you to put on my leash. This doesn't mean that I love you any less, just that I would much rather do this on my own. You know what I mean? Okay, now do you mind if I find the perfect spot before I pee? That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. Oh, yeah - and I better sniff every bush between here and Peet's - which I realize isn't open this early in the morning. I don't think I'm going to empty my bladder all at once, either. And I think I need to make poopy, too. Gotta find another perfect spot, okay? Will you take me down a few more blocks? I think I'll like it over there. I know you can barely keep your eyes open, but this would really mean a lot to me. I promise this won't happen again until tomorrow at 3AM.”

For the first time in GOD knows how many weeks, I'll be able to participate in No Pants Friday. Unless I hear otherwise, I'll assume that you're doing the same thing… at home, at work, or the public library. I've also distributed a notification to every Starbucks and T-Mobile Hotspot, so you Wi-Flyers should be okay, too. I've already picked out a special pair of underwear just for you. I'm sure the Lockergnome audience will love waking up to my pasty waist in their newsletter sidebar tomorrow morning. Let's see how many keyboards we can ruin together, shall we?

If you're
looking for a new blog design and you have enough morals NOT to steal someone
else's, you might consider becoming a strange banana. I would
have recommended it earlier, but… nobody called me for help. Regardless, I'm
offering it to you this morning before I walk down the street for my daily
caffeine infusion.

Am I the only one who hasn't heard any of these songs: LAST RESORT (Papa Roach), CHOP SUEY! (System Of A Down), GET FREE (The Vines), HATE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO (The Hives), FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL (The White Stripes), LAST NITE (The Strokes), DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS (Disturbed), RENEGADES OF FUNK (Rage Against The Machine), OUTSIDE (Staind), MY WAY (Limp Bizkit), BAWITDABA (Kid Rock), YOUTH OF THE NATION (P.O.D.), or THE REAL SLIM SHADY (Eminem)? Looks like my music collection is quite incomplete. Repeat after me…