2003 March

Link lives on with this afternoon's purchase of a Game Boy Advance SP. I couldn't resist. The last handheld gaming system I owned was Sega's Game Gear. Now I have a feeling the GB is going to 0wn me. It's so compact – and backwards compatible (for the most part). Got any old cartridges you wanna get rid of? I don't have much lying around here… a couple sets of computer speakers… Steve Oedekerk DVDs (Thumb Wars, Thumbtanic, The Blair Thumb)… et cetera. Now, I'm off to a few review sites to see what diversions should be populating my pockets. *Whoosh!*

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My new favorite blog: More Stuff 4 Less. Now, imagine combining this with Marc's idea. Stop going to content – start letting it come to you. That was the idea behind starting Lockergnome seven years ago. The model is changing, and I believe I'm ready to adapt.

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I love upgrades – especially when they work. Right now I'm listening to my MC Hawking MP3s on test hardware: Creative Inspire 6.1 6600 speakers plugged into a Sound Blaster Audigy 2 Platinum card. Physics has never sounded so good. Hell, even the little 'klack' that Windows spits back when I click a link sounds better. Yeah, it's like night and day compared to what I was using before (old Cambridge Soundworks 5.1 speakers and on-board SoundMax audio). At first, I couldn't even get my system to recognize the card – at all. See, I swapped out my FireWire card for this PCI upgrade (and put it in the same slot). Moving up one beige bay resulted in harmony. I installed the driver set and installed (pretty much) all the software on the installation CD. Four random lock-ups later, I realized that Creative's software is total crap. Yeah, it's all junk on XP. Hell, even their wimpy little volume control panel takes four seconds to load on a P4 3.06 GHz with 1GB of RAM. The UI is all over the map, too. Yikes. Solution: I'm avoiding their code at all costs. I wanted to listen to their DVD audio disc, but… even that doesn't work properly. Well, at least everything else sounds fantastic!

Read more on You Down with Audigy?…

Tired of hearing about “the War?” So were Elijah Wood and Kevin Costner. They successfully lobbied Fuzzy to enable you to search the Feedster database and return non-war results. Nice, eh? Now, if only we could get all the other indexes to follow suit. In recent days, I've found myself turning to Feedster instead of Google when I wanna search for fresh content. I wonder if Mare Winningham has a blog?

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Let's read the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language's definition of terrorism: “The unlawful use or threatened use of force or violence by a person or an organized group against people or property with the intention of intimidating or coercing societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons.” Now, let's read this story. The police have my permission to smack these people back into reality, using whatever force necessary.

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Like yourself, I was in shock and awe when I heard that some folks had organized a 'vomit in' in our fair city of San Francisco. Did anybody bother to think about the feelings of all of those anorexic people out there? They've got nothing to contribute to the cause! Normally, I wouldn't bring up such points, but I watched last night (in horror and disgust) as two skinnie-minnies gorged themselves at an expensive restaurant. I overheard one of 'em saying to the other: “Fifteen years of starving myself for no apparent reason… and those damn protesters made me think differently.” What has this world come to when we have people with eating disorders changing their lives because of street barfers? The homeless aren't taking this lying down, either. They've decided to organize a “pissing protest” – wherein they (the homeless) will be allowed to pee on toilets until this war ends. Notice I didn't use the word 'in'? Even they couldn't expect their aim to be perfect, having avoided polished porcelain for the better part of two years. But maybe that will change now that people are marching on Market? Maybe. Just maybe.

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The troops are doing their job, but what about the rest of us? I say it's time to launch Operation [Insert Retarded Title Here]. Our mission? To do our best to keep the peace at home – no matter where “home” happens to be. To help get you in the mood, I've uncovered this link to Patriotic Babes. Now all we need is a Retarded Title. Bonus points for euphemisms.

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We just watched the Little People of America storm 16th with their chant: “Hell no – we won't grow!” They were followed shortly by the Bay Area League of Women Menstruators, who could be heard chanting: “Hell no – we won't flow!” Naturally, they were only copying the Crackheads of North America, who were screaming: “Hell no – we want blow!” They were joined by the Naked Old People with Alzheimer's of Marin County: “Hell, we can't remember the words but we hope they serve peach cobbler tonight!” If you think I'm being silly, you apparently haven't heard about the first known civilian death. Tell me, what did that bridge ever do to you?! Stupid people are turning this tragedy into a comedy. To protest the protesters, Gretchen and I have decided to stay home for the night. We might even liberate our underwear in a few minutes. UPDATE: Mexican Lesbians have now joined the fray. [Via BuzzMachine]

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I'm not really in a bad mood – I'm just blowing off steam. We've got morons up the wazoo crowding the streets of San Francisco to protest the war. It took me well over an hour to get to work this morning – when it normally takes ten minutes. I don't mind peaceful demonstrations – but the moment you get in my way, I get a little pissy. You don't like what we're doing in Iraq? Fine, it's your right as an American citizen to share your feelings with the public. But how is keeping me from my morning coffee going to change anything?! Why don't you get a Web site – like a normal person? Blog it, damn you. Just don't stand in between me and my Peet's.

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It's time to go through my TechTV inbox, shuffle past the spam, and answer a few burning questions. “Chris, why did you cut your hair like that?” I had no choice; it had been burned to a crisp with the bleaching / coloring process. I could either wear the mullet wig for a month or take it off… take it ALL off. I opted for the latter. “Chris, will they let you cut your hair like this more often?” I doubt it. I've already caused our ratings to drop over 200% in the past couple of days. Of course, I was sick for two of them. Leo and Brett were great substitutes. They almost had to change the name of the show to: “I Can't Believe It's Not Pirillo!” “Chris, you look silly with a butch.” Yeah, well… you look silly with a pencil shoved halfway up your nose. I can shove it in all the way if you'd like me to? “Chris, what's up with you being sick this week? Did all of those hair chemicals go to your brain?” Oranges. Oranges and graphic design. “You're not Leo.” Yes, we pretty much established this two years ago. You're living in the past, man. “Chris, can I call you 'Chris'?” Sure. Just don't tell my wife. Thanks. She tends to be overprotective when it comes to people using my name. “Chris, I think you eat rainbows with your hair color.” Using Google's translation engine, are we? “Chris, I think you should go over to Cat's house one night and dye her hair. And then you should go and look at the posters in her room.” Uh… okay? Look, if you're not going to ask serious questions, I'm just going to stop answering them today. “Chris, don't you think the viewers would rather blah blah blah… yadda yadda yadda?” Totally. Now tune in tomorrow or I'll punch you in the nuts.

Read more on The Sniffle Shuffle…

I've been sick this past week, but that hasn't stopped me from testing applications for Lockergnome. In between trips to the toilet, I stumbled upon Huminity. I'd point you directly to its site, but I don't want you to install it. In fact, I want you to tell everybody on the PLANET not to install it. Why? Because it just raped my address book. I guess I didn't take their privacy policy literally: 'Contacts are notified by a one-time e-mail notification about their inclusion in the Huminity network.' WTF?! Assume that when you install the program, the people in your contacts list will be notified with no further warning. Sick! Well, if you got a message from me telling you to join this network, let me use this space to WARN YOU to avoid this site / software at all cost.

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We are on Orange Alert.

My illness appears to be passing, although I can still hear some amount of stuffiness when I speak. All should be well by tomorrow morning. I'll return to work, head held high – reflecting the lights above. Yep. I killed the fro. Didn't have much of a choice, mind you. I'm starting from scratch, and sneezing all the way there. *cough cough* I should probably go back to bed now. *sniffle* Thanks for noticing me.

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I was looking for something a few minutes ago and… well, the results speak for themselves. Do a search for anything on Amazon.com – and they'll tell you where to find it. “See 'the finest breast' on Page 3 of the menu at Cafe Starbucks.” / “See 'my wife' on Page 53 of Things You Never Knew Existed.” / “See 'baby batter' on Page 149 of Macgill Discount School Nurse Supplies.” / See 'colored farts' on Index 3 of Source Equipment.” / “See 'your mom' on Page 105 of Dressler's Dog Supplies-All Breed Dog Specialty.” / “See 'your pubic hair' on Page 18 of Herbal Healer Academy Natural Medicine Supply.” / “See 'horny protozoa' on Page 88 of American 3B Scientific 2002 mail-order catalog.” / “See 'someone happier than me' on Page 5 of Boltz Steel Furniture-Steel Style.” What do YOU see?

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I planned on spending most of the afternoon searching for open access points in my neighborhood. Mother nature decided to intervene; my sinuses have been draining down the back of my throat for the better part of two days, completely nullifying my sense of taste. I tried half a spoonful of wasabi, but the hit only lasted for a few seconds. Nothing's gonna wear down this mucus blanket but time. For dinner, I plan on having some Halls (with mentho-lyptus). They have Advanced Vapor Action, ya know? Yeah, I know it's nothing more than candy – but the minty flavor is keeping me from going hoarse. I plan on popping a Ricola or two for dessert. Maybe even a can of seltzer water to wash it all down? I really don't wanna go to bed with Nyquil coating my tongue for the third night in a row, though. That stuff always knocks me out; it's a capful of green, liquid death. But I don't blame Vicks. Oh, no… I blame it on the rain that was falling, falling. Some would say that the chemicals they used on my hair pushed me over the edge. Judge for yourself. Thanks again to everybody who provided a mirror for the video!

Read more on Filled with Phlegm…