Those who know me know that I'm an RSS feed junkie. My new toy? NewsGator! It integrates with Microsoft Outlook rather nicely - and since I live in OL2k, it's a perfect match. Robert is spinning it on his machine, too. What about you? Well, here's my current set of feeds - and I'm looking to add more as I find them. Hopefully, I'll find an enterprising Windows software developer soon. I've got an idea that's burning a hole in my brain - and I wanna see it come to fruition this week. Yes, I have THAT much patience.

Imagine this: a “News” submenu sitting at the top of your Start Menu, right above the Programs submenu. It cascades out into an organized list of feeds (each feed has its own folder). The “Technology” category folder cascades into a list of subscribed feeds: Wired, CNET, etc. Each of those feeds contains the 15 (or X) most recent posts in the form of Internet Shortcuts. Tooltips contain the provided description / timestamp. You could set it to update every X minutes, archive older links on a per-feed basis, truncate file names to X characters, etc. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Know of anybody who could set something like this up? I want true shell integration here, folks.

Fingernails are brutal when they're pressed against the skin.
With the dermal layer punctured, silver blood is found within.
Through a sunbeam, crystal trickles from the crack atop your chin -
and so there it must revolve until the lip can find its twin
where it's focused through the lens of something other than your sin.

I've been having a blast with this little laptop - when it's been working. Ah, welcome to the world of OS alphas! I went to install the latest build of the LindowsOS, and discovered that the external CD drive didn't wanna do what it was supposed to do. Ugh. I've got the image (ISO) burned to a disc, but the Iomega USB 2.0 Predator isn't cooperating at boot. I'll have to venture out into the land of peripherals and purchase a new USB CD-RW (1.1 or 2.0) tomorrow. Although, I'd much rather borrow one; perhaps the lab will be friendly? I'll find a way. I always find a way.

I love this speech; I've heard it four times now. Doc's doing his thing on stage right now, and I'm happy as a “little guul” with this enote on my lap. Battery is down to 16% after being “on” for the better part of two hours. My fingers are adjusting to the dimimutive keyboard layout; I keep tapping “1″ instead of “Tab,” but other than that, few complaints. Oops. Better find an outlet soon - but I don't wanna move. This is a very comfy sofa. I'd take a picture of it, but my S45 ran out of juice yesterday and I forgot to bring the charger. Bah!

I'm entering this post on one of those enote bad-boys via Ricochet. Doc and I are config'ing our review units. Life does not get any better than this. They're letting us take 'em home for the night. Mistake! I'm not bringing this back. To my knowledge, this is the first blog entry from such a machine. Do I get a sugarless cookie now?

I haven't had a chance to run the OS yet, but what I see on the big screen is making me wanna take a closer look. The room is full of geeks - my kind of people. What we heard was a push for a friendlier flavor of Linux. I hate to say it to the naysayers, but: this needs to happen if the operating system is ever going to find its place on the desktop. Some will contend that it'll never happen; others say that it SHOULD never happen. I'm somewhere in the middle. With a winterfresh Altoid in my mouth, I'm nost shocked at the pitch. Selling access to application, not necessarily the software upon which the applications run. And if you think that this is the wrong thing to do, you shouldn't invest any more money in Windows or Apple products. That's the way it's going to be within a matter of years. Take a look at .Mac and MSN 8: it's everybody's future. I wouldn't be surprised if (in five years) Microsoft gave their OS away and upsold you on their range of services. Bah, humbug? Watch it happen.

Hey, hey! I'm live from the Desktop Linux Summit press room. There was much controversy surrounding it, and when I made the committment to do my thing, I found it difficult to renege. Being caught between a rock and a hard place is not very fun, but I'll go on the record as saying: I'm a geek, and I don't get many opportunities to crawl out of my hole in San Francisco. Doc just showed up a few minutes ago, asked if there was wireless connectivity (nope), and then went back out to his car to get an AirPort. Then, we were told that MP3.com didn't want Wi-Fi because of security issues. Huh?! Not impressed. Not impressed at all. I promise you: we'll have access at Gnomedex III. That's the kind of geeks we are.

My friends, I have a bit of distressing news. Yes, many of you noticed that my recent entries have been replete with silliness. This is because I… have stopped drinking coffee. Yes, it's true. I started listening to my body more and it's telling me that it doesn't really jive with the java any longer. If I'm a good boy all week, I may pick up a cup on the weekend. But, for the most part, consider me unaddicted. I'm no longer swimming in flavor country and have been looking for another vice.

I also think I'm growing a third nipple, which is one of the reasons I've had to put all “chest scribbles” on hold. Who knows how long it'll be around? At first, I thought it was a zit. Nope. Pimples generally don't look this mean. Next order of business: name it. Unfortunately, I don't know if it is a 'he' or a 'she.' Yet.

I just don't wanna [bleep] you more than I already have… although I would, mind you. Just that I know what it's like to get prepared for a [bleep], and I wanna… well, [bleep] you. Like, ya know, get in one quick [bleep] before you head out. But I won't because I know that'll really throw off your [bleep]. That, and I would refuse to [bleep]… and grab onto your ankles and be forcing you to [bleep] - and that would probably hurt a lot, especially on the cement. I would get carpet burns, too. And I'm just not into pain. Although, there's a certain threshold that borders pleasure - but I haven't found that yet - and I don't think it would come to me if you were [bleep]. So… I just won't [bleep] you because I don't wanna have any [bleep].

Now hickeys, on the other hand (and from the other mouth) are a different skin bruise altogether. They're fun to make. I once had one in the shape of Abraham Lincoln. I got it on That's Incredible, the old show with John Davidson. I made it myself with precision. It's a skill, I tell ya. You just can't go sucking random points in the skin with random pressures. You have to really know what you're doing. I kinda lost that ability over time, much like you forget how to do long division. Well, I never really forgot it. I just… don't like doing it. I figured “calculators” were the wave of the future. And someone would always have one of those cool little calculator watches on hand - so I'd ask them to do it for me. That's probably why I was never any good at math. That, and the number Seven used to make fun of me when I wore red shirts. To this day, I can't even type the digit without losing it completely. It's psychological.

Like the voices in my head. They're telling me what to do, but I seldom listen - because one of 'em uses sign language. I call him Loretta. He smells like bologna.

Something's been weighing heavily on my mind for quite some time, and I think I'm finally ready to test my hypothesis. The question: “What if everybody in the world farted at the same time?” I'll need your help, and can do nothing but assume that you're going to participate unless I hear otherwise. At 4PM (Pacific) today, I need you to let loose and pass some gas. If my theory is correct, the planet will survive this influx in Pu (Stinkinium) gases. Not quite a noble gas, but respectable nonetheless. Thank you for your kind assistance. My suggestion? Grab a burrito or two for lunch. Careful not to push too hard - no solids are required for this experiment.

What do these five words have in common: purple, binary, insomnia, Vegas, and dot. I don't know for sure, but I'm aiming to find out ASAP. Thoughts welcome.

You're wondering: “Chris, how come you don't update your blog every five minutes?” Well, it's because of my new toy. It's something your head will appreciate: the hat that gives back - though you wouldn't wanna wear it in public. Jodie from ScoreBrowniePoints only has a few more of 'em left, so if you're a Gnomie - either take advantage of her generous one-time offer (while supplies last) or simply sign up for her critically-acclaimed love insurance. This link was created specifically for my Gnomies, but I don't think she'd mind if I shared it with you, too. Man, I love this thi-i-i-i-i-i-ing.

Like many of you, I was shocked when I learned that my buddy Doc had his laptop stolen. What a crock! Well, it's time to give back to the man who's given so much to this community. I've set up a PayPal donation link. Let's get that man a new friggin' PowerBook! The 15″ SuperDrive model is only $2,799.00. If every regular Doc follower donates a few bucks to the fund, he'll have a new machine in no time at all. I swear (on my chest) that all monies will be given to him. If you're going to pass the link around, please keep an eye on this particular blog post, as I'll kill the PayPal item as soon as enough has been generated. UPDATE: Doc's laptop has been returned, and the funds raised are currently in limbo. He'll be taking suggestions on his blog soon - most likely, all of it will be donated. Check here for his official word.

I found inspiration; it was hiding somewhere in Canada. Yesterday, after a seven year hiatus, I engaged in unwarranted physical activity. They say you're supposed to crawl before you can walk, but I jumped right into jogging. An eighth of a mile yesterday, and another eighth today! Yeah, that may not sound like much, but it's a lot for me. Not quite twenty minutes of aerobic activity, but I plan on getting a good workout DVD to round out the routine. Rome wasn't built in a day, but now that people are admiring my chest, I figured I'd better give 'em something to look at. I've got 10 more to do this afternoon, by the way. But not before I shower. They don't call these things sweatshirts for nothing!

Me: A whole lot of nothing. My parents wouldn't let me watch any R-rated movies,
and I didn't own a radio until I was in the 8th grade. Computers were used
for word processing and nothing else. It was a lot like Gattaca, only
without Ethan Hawke. I spent a lot of time in my room. Not because I got in
trouble, but because Mothra would attack me every time I went outside.

I did it because I couldn't find anybody else doing it. Lockergnome has
always been about delivering tech-related content in a personalized manner.
It turned into a vicious, life-sucking pre-occupation that destroyed my
personal life. Like I ever had one?! Eh, it's better than sitting around
making up interview questions for dorks who live in San Francisco. I mean…
what was the question, again?

Some schmuck already took “Microsoft.” I was a little upset about it, but
nothing that my friend Jeff Gillooly couldn't fix. Unfortunately, he was
pre-occupied, so I had to go with Lockergnome. Damnit.

I'm still doing it 100%, baby! Most wouldn't know it, because I can't talk
about that stuff on my show very often. Why? Mothra. It's difficult to take
on two full-time positions, but at least I'm doing what I love to do. That
would be racing beef jerky sticks. Naturally.

That's only a rumor. You have absolutely no evidence to support your
accusation. My propensity to favor the external channeling of energy has no
bearing on this interview. Hyperactivity gets too much play in the press,
anyway. My attention span is normal for any… is that bone?

The first thing she asked when I brought up the possibility of relocating
was: “When?” The second thing she asked was: “Why haven't you picked me up
from the airport yet?” It was a very awkward situation. Here I was, a
champion for technology in Iowa, being called out of the state to host a
live daily television program. At first, I was like: “I wonder if I'll get
my own lightsaber?” And then, I was like: “Dude!? I wonder if I'll get my
own Bantha!”
It was a difficult decision. Ultimately, I wound up with the Bat'leth due to
some contractual obligation with the Federation.

Pretty damn. Oh yeah, I cuss a lot. More than I know I should, but you can't
say certain things on TV. Like boobie. You just can't say that. You can in
San Francisco. They're a lot more open about those kinds of things. Living
here, I see things that I'd rather not see. Like Mothra.

Very strange. Like the first time with a woman. In many cases, that was my
first time with a woman - on television, of course. Oh sure, I had done my
fair share of interviews, but they meant nothing to me. Absolutely nothing.
My first solo show was just as awkward. You're not sure about yourself, you
have to rely on a different set of stimuli, you become your own support
team. But like the borg, I adapted. Only without all those wires and stuff.
The only implants I want are pectoral - and instead of silicon, I want
non-hydrogenated peanut butter.

Generally speaking, I start preparing for that day's show a few hours before
rehersal. Then, we do the show. In the early afternoon, we have a meeting or
two. Then, I'm bored off my rocker. You can only prepare so much, and I
reserve that for the morning of. Oh, and I pee when I have to - but those
trips are typically unscheduled.

My wallet, my keys, my digital camera (currently a Canon Powershot S45), my
TechTV badge, my Peet's Frequent Drinker card, my cell phone, my Pocket PC
(currently an HP Jornada 548), and sometimes 'y.'

I was cloned a little over three weeks ago, and my evil twin is now hellbent
on obliterating any kind of reputation that I may have attained. I cannot
confirm (nor deny) any involvement (direct or indirect) with this person. I
think it's funny what he's doing, but I don't see how he could hope to make
any serious funds with it. Last I heard, he's generated over $700 in revenue
over the past couple of weeks. Insane what people will pay for. His chest,
you say?

Toad the Wet Sprocket, Bleu, Moxy Fruvous, Barenaked Ladies, Poached Salmon
in a White Wine Sauce, They Might Be Giants, Frente, Nirvana, Suzanne Vega,
and the Soundtrack for Revenge of the Nerds.

I think that's what my dad wanted to call me. He also wanted to call me
“Little Bobo.” I'm happy they settled on Chris, as that's what everybody
calls me. I've also been called: Cosmo, Apple, and Fingercuffs.

It's about the Internet, and it's going to be (no joke) over a thousand
pages long. We've already sold 1,000,000 copies - most of which to my mom. I
don't think she has the credit, but… I don't have the heart to break it to
her. She's really a nice lady, being married to my dad, and all.

Yes. I also encourage them to look beyond what I'm doing for the network.
I've got Lockergnome, Gnometomes, Gnomedex, this book, RentMyAss… I mean,
my blog. “Gnomedex III: The Fellowship of the Geeks” is currently in its
initial stages. We're not sure where it's going to be held, but rest
assured - this'll be the best geek “pop culture” event of the weekend!