2003 January

When I first came to TechTV, there was a rumor that the reason it took me so long to get here, was that I was holding out for getting it written into my contract that I would only use BLUE pens. What the…? I only require my writing utensils to not be chewed on and fully functional. What happened, I believe, is someone overheard me asking the question in a late phone interview: “Will I get a desk with office supplies and stuff?” Stupid question, you'd think – but having never been in a true corporate environment at that point, how was I to know? I'm here to set the record straight. If you were one who believed I suffered from this idiosyncrasy, your pennance is to download and install the Plus! CFH Party Mode skin for Microsoft's Plus! DME. They just launched a new community site this morning at 6AM PST. It's already kickin' butt and takin' names. I'll be sure to integrate the new plugin that outupts WMP9 metadata (ID3 information) to an FTP/Web server. That way, you can see just how sick and twisted my tastes truly are.

Read more on Off My Chest…

K-Tel records is proud to present: A Message to Internet Marketers 2003. With such hits as: “When the moon hits your eye like a big pop-up pie, that's annoying.” and “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. No more pop-ups! No more pop-ups!” And how could we leave out the 80's classic: “You send me pop-up windows, pop-up. Like a red balloon, pop pop pop pop.” We'll also give you this track from the late Freddie Mercury: “All we see is Internet pop-ups. Internet pop-ups. Let them go.” Plus, what would a compilation be without something from Blondie: “Once I was online and it was a gas. Soon turned out, I wanna kick your ass. Seemed like the real thing, only to fi-i-ind mucho mistrust – you've lost your mind.” Order today and we'll throw in Disc 2 with our staff's personal favorites: “If you're blue and you don't know who to market to why don't you do an all out blitz… pop-up is the [bleep].” and “Oh pop-up, what a pity, you don't understand – I wanna kill that window when it tries to make a stand.” If you order today, we promise to send you extra special offers from our partners through e-mail… every single second… for the rest of your life! Call now! Operators are standing by! 1-555-YOU-SUCK.

Read more on Sing Along, Everybody!…

I love my computer. Uh… it has a monitor attached to it and everything. And, uh… I have a mouse and a keyboard that help me do stuff. Man, I'm dead. This blog is up for “Best Computers or Technology Weblog” at the Third Annual Weblog Awards. I'm up against Slashdot and Boing Boing, of all things. What – you expect me to link to them?! Oh okay. Here and here. I'd like to see 'em both return the love, but we all know that's not going to happen. Why didn't they have a category for “Most Liberal Use of a Handwriting Font?” Or “Best Blog From a Guy Who Moved from Iowa to California?” Why? Because God hates me. He thinks that Slashdot should get every single award it's up for. I'm screwed. Again, while everybody else is getting laid. UPDATE: Jason and Robyn have come out and pledged their friendship. We only need 11,999,998 more votes to overcome the Slashdotters.

Read more on Oh Crap…

There's a downed power line in the vicinity of the Potrero Center Peet's. I wish I had known that before I left my house this morning. After paying $12 for a parking spot that I could keep all day, I jumped into the TechTV van and came to the studio. So close, yet so far away. I started to run through today's show and decided to give Starbucks a shot. “It can't be as bad as I remember it.” No, it was far worse. Five sips from a Venti later and I've come up with a list of things I'd rather drink than another drop of Starbucks coffee: (1) camel piss; (2) anti-freeze; (3) melted crayons; (4) amniotic fluid; (5) mayonnaise that's been sitting under direct sunlight all day; (6) tripe puree; (7) tobacco juice; (8) an entire vat of fry oil from Burger King; (9) formaldehyde; and (10) sulfuric acid. What the hell was I thinking?!

Read more on Bucking Starsucks…

I don't wanna go back to work tomorrow.

Why did you start your own blog? Do those motives still exist? Reinvent yourself. Get excited again. The blogging world isn't disinterested – it's just that people have become disinteresting. Do something unique not just with your blog, but in the blogging community. It's not about following (or even creating) the meme of the week; it's about trying on a new flannel every once in a while. The reason for my recent redesign was not only for a change of code – moreso, it was for a change of pace. Skins are fun, but will they encourage people to return and read your thoughts at a future date? Make the connection with poignant links and random thoughts. Be as unpredictable as you want to be. Try something new. I did. It worked.

Read more on Blog Apathy Disorder (BAD)…

Hoopty's on X, and he wonders Y he waited so long. I burned a CD full of free apps for him to play with on his G4. I requested only one cup of joe in return (medium, with heavy manufacturer's cream). He and Chey spent the day over here, playing Xbox and adopting one of my old Pocket PCs. Gretchen dipped her hands in wax, and then we went down the street for burgers and cake ala Mitchell's mode. I spent a few hours editing a few chapters for my upcoming book with John C. Dvorak. Oh, didn't I tell you about that already? Some would say that I'm his co-bitch. Others would say that he's my Captain Janeway (without the mustache). Now, I better go before Starr Jones tries to sell me another pair of shoes. If she invades The Simpsons, I'll eat my loafers.

Read more on You Move Too Fast…

Since Robyn did it, I thought I would, too – with a Pirillo twist. I watch my TechTV. Do you? Well, if you're a clip-capture god or goddess, slap this song into movieland and assemble a video suitable for streaming. I'll see what I can do about getting it played on CFH. And I'm serious about wanting to start a TechTV viewers blogroll. I can do it, ya know. I have that power. It's kinda like the power to puke on-demand, only less messy. And let me add this challenge for everybody using Blogrolling.com: do some spring cleaning. Please?

Read more on Interactive Television…

Hail coffee, full of taste – my tongue is with thee. Yummy art thou among libations, and blessed is the pulp of thy bean, roasted! Holy beverage, fresh above all, brew for us drinkers now and at the hour of our morning. Amen.

Read more on A Prayer for Saint Peets…

Yes, I realize that many of you can't catch the show anymore. That's why I've hired a crack team of commandos (also on crack) to bring the show to you. What happened this week? Just a bunch of random crap. I think you'll agree.

Read more on How'd You Get Past Security?…

This morning, I'm a free man. Gretchen wandered into the living room last night with the checkbook and asked if I'd do the honor; I signed the sheet that would officially release me from the grasp of student loans forever. You see, I was too sober to get pity grants, too dumb to get scholarships, and my parents were too rich (on the books) for me to get any “free” money. And so I scribbled my name on the right-most line, leaving only this phrase in the Memo section: “Kiss my ass.” I'm sure the check will get cashed, regardless. To this day, I've yet to use that English Education degree. The BA was pure BS, but what I gained outside of the classroom will continue to shape my life until the end of my days on Earth. Or Mars, depending on if we colonize it before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

Read more on I'm Debtless…

Blogging is your chance to show the world what you're like. It's your own. It's nobody else's… it's life. It's life online.

Past gigs I'd just as soon forget: (1) Games attendant at the trashiest amusement park in Iowa; (2) Pizza delivery guy for a Pizza Hut in Cedar Falls; (3) Member of the housekeeping staff for a Hotel across the street from the trashiest amusement park in Iowa; (4) Cable television premium services TSR; (5) Magazine TSR for the salon industry; (6) Telemarketing sales verfication specialist; (7) Sales monkey for home-sold industrial-strength cookware.

Read more on Jobs That Suck…

Thanks to Bob Laurence, I think I may have eliminated this page's dependence on tables altogether. This is important, as I'll be sharing my blog on international television tomorrow. Someone's asking “what it is” – and I'm aimin' to tell him. It's like I told another blogger-wannabe this afternoon: your personal and professional life will flourish if you do one. We were sipping soda water at a local cafe, pondering when the industry would crawl out of its slump. As we were talking, another dude walked into the place and said to me: “Aren't you the guy who broke that one old record player thingy?” Kinda. “One of our IT guys just sent the video to everyone at Sega; we've been laughing about it all day.” That clip has apparently gone viral. Great. I'm always going to be known as “that one guy,” completely replacing the world's memory of “that other guy.”

Read more on That One Guy…

David Weinberger is one of my favorite geeks. I met him in 1999 at Spring Internet World along with my friend, Richard Brodie. He's a lot like the Doc, and somewhat like the Boy. The other day, David sent me a link to one of his recent blog entries. Sadly, that's the only way I would have known about it; there's not enough time in the day to read everything. It's all about Dan Bricklin's Proposal. Now, I don't know Dan – and I don't believe we've ever been formally introduced – but he's got a killer idea up his sleeve. The “Small and Medium-sized Business meta” is set to be the next must-have XML document. Think of it as a way to keep the world up-to-date with your contact information without intervention. RSS took a few years to catch on, but his SMBmeta, if done properly, should be a great success. I'll do it, provided the specs stay truly simple.

Read more on Super Mario Bros…